Hookers or Cake

If time is but eternity’s veil, and if we are to live as one in the present moment, we should probably all get naked.

- Wu Nu - the thirteenth pervert of zen

Remember when everyone thought God was a forgetful bear cult and we all ran into the woods shouting Gods secret name? I don’t know how you spell it, really it was just a bunch of fart noises. Anywho it turned out God had married the Devil, who’d taken carnal form as a pit of snakes, that talked like Charles Nelson Reilly. It was a beautiful autumn wedding. The dusk was setting and the bats spoke to you of quietly coming undone. Remember? In front of everyone, remember? How you were happy and then you forgot why you were happy so you got sad?

Well as Charles Nelson Reilly would yell, “Wake up bitch! This pile of snakes isn’t going to fuck itself.”

Hey, I saw some boobs on the internet today and I heard they were yours. Actually I heard it told that all the naked quivering flesh online was yours. And I guess I just wanted to thank you for all of that. You’re obviously pretty awesome.

Amen

(This is my family’s traditional Thanksgiving Day Prayer)

The Shittiest Gods Ever

What kinda car was the holy spirit driving

when it lost his license for speeding?

Where did Adam & Eve shit

in the Garden of Eden?

Why didn’t Jesus wear his penis

when he was busy down here bleeding?

The mustache that can spoke of

    is not the eternal mustache

The understanding that can be understood

    is not wisdom


For the mustache is the beginning of heaven and earth

    it is the mother of all things


Mustachioed one can see the entire mystery

Mustacheless one only sees the manifestation


These two ways of being are identical

       they only differ in name


The mustache exists

     only when it does not

This is the gateway to all mystery.


     - Mustache Te Ching  by  Jade Bos

(Source: hookersorcake)

I wrote a lot of stuff that they never used on Scooby Doo. I had the gang joining forces with the Buddha on one episode and when ever they would come across a clue they’d  talk it out and ask the Buddha what he thought and he’d always shrug and say, “Yeah, I’ve got nothing.” and the audience would laugh.

I also had Scooby and Shaggy kinda making fun of him by acting all pious and meditating. Shaggy would look at Scooby and say, “Hey Scoob! Whats the sound of one hand clapping? and then he’d swallow a whole banana cream pie and say “Yum!” and Scooby would snicker.

The end involved the Buddha being chased by a mechanical gorilla in a pink tutu.

The Old Testament God lying in the dark with limp dick in hand.

What does he masturbate to?

When he closes his eyes do the dancing incarnate visions slowly lose all form and become amorphous jiggling blobs of pure creative matter? Does he find his mind wandering out into boundless space?

So if God is omnipotent, then he is quite obviously fucking himself. And thats soo gay, dude. For God there is no other, so he’s gettin blown, but he’s also doing the blowing! The greedy little Jew…

I guess I worry about God. I worry that he’s not having a good time. I worry that he’s not ‘getting it’ every which way he can. That life is a little bit of a bummer for him. Maybe I’ll get him a subscription to Juggs magazine and bring over some brownies.

. 

 Ajuna: I have a razor but the whole world is clean-shaven. 

 Krishna: Shut up and shave the mustache.

    -from The Bhagavad Gita in the Mustache Te Ching

I’d fuck me hard.

The mustache that can spoke of

    is not the eternal mustache

The understanding that can be understood

    is not wisdom


For the mustache is the beginning of heaven and earth

    it is the mother of all things


Mustachioed one can see the entire mystery

Mustacheless one only sees the manifestation


These two ways of being are identical

       they only differ in name


The mustache exists

     only when it does not

This is the gateway to all mystery.


     - Mustache Te Ching