Hookers or Cake

Bedtime Story

The founders of the great metropolis came from the surrounding jungle starving, they were looking for fruit. They wandered about fruitlessly until they saw something wriggling on the horizon, it was big, and it was pink. As they drew closer they realized it was a gigantic baby, bigger than a house. They proceeded to wonder out-loud just what the fuck a giant baby was doing in the middle of nowhere and the baby itself responded, “I am that which knows the winds secret and I see all of the lines that flow throughout time.” The travelers set up camp right there and prayed throughout the night to the baby, that it might take pity on them in their fruitless search. The baby told them that if they’d keep it safe from the ever encroaching forest, it would in turn tell them where the fruit was.
So the searchers settled there and cut down some nearby trees, building a barrier around the baby. They were careful to leave an opening for the baby’s daily meal. As it turned out, the baby ate nothing but lions. Each day at dusk a red hot air balloon would appear, land in the clearing, and a large ferocious lion would jump out. It would roar and sniff the air, rushing the baby. The baby would giggle and coo scoop the lion up as one might a miniature housecat and play with the savage beast until it tired of it and then rip off its head and devour it whole.
Many moons went by and the city became modern and no longer relied on fruit. The baby was more of a financial adviser telling the bankers where and how to invest and thus the city was quite prosperous. Though the baby still feasted on lions. Each day one would land somewhere in the city and make a beeline for city hall, where the baby lived. The city people no longer had to keep the ever encroaching forest at bay in fact there was barely any trees left at all. And one day the last tree was cut down. No one thought much of it but that night no lion showed up. It grew dark and just before midnight the baby asked, “Where’s my fucking lion?” The mayor stalled by saying the lion got hit by a truck and had been destroyed. He offered the baby all sorts of food, but the baby just began to cry and cry and cry. People lost their minds for fear and in their panic people began to riot and start fires and fights and even killed each other. The baby cried all night but come morning it was silent and fast asleep. As evening approached everyone fearfully waited but again there was no balloon and no lion. Finally, when the baby started to whimper was when I put on the lion suit.
The baby laughed at what a pathetic lion I was. I put up the best fight I could and the baby humored me for a time until he popped off my head with his thumb like a flower. He gobbled me up and thus started a new tradition of the sacrificial fake lions. The fake lion couldn’t be too shitty though or the baby’s advice would become slipshod and the city would lose a shit ton of money on penny stocks from Thailand or something. So a fake lion guild was formed, the baby was fed and life went on as normal in the big city.

I was on the beach in the surf running to the arms of my lover

I was on the beach in the surf running into the jaws of a monster

I was on the beach in the surf running into life and love

and all of society was fleeing in terror

Now society, the monster, my love, and I are tired from all that running

We’re having a slice of pizza and there’s talk of icecream…

Good Lord, I hope I don’t wake from the dream before the icecream!

Hookers or Cake the movie?!

My talented friend, Carlos and I are turning some of my short stories into little films. This is the first one. The Master of Boobs! Hopefully we can make a bunch more and get all kinds of elaborate and strange.    ?

Maybe I’ll write a nice Christmas story…

In the backyard of my friends house there is a huge evergreen tree on a hill. Its tall enough to whisper to the birds and make friends with the clouds.

One Christmas Eve me and my best friend Jesse were over there making music in the basement. It was during one of our many smoke breaks out in the backyard that we saw some small red twinkling under the giant evergreen.

“You see that?” Jesse said

“Yeah.” I nod.

We slowly walk closer…  tiny red lights. We get down on all fours and stick our heads under the low hanging branches like a couple midgets peeking under a fat lady’s dress. Mushrooms, red and white ones. I pick a big one and hold it up.

“Dude,” I say way too seriously, “we need to eat these.”

“I don’t know if that’s a good idea…” says Jesse.

“Its like the day before Christmas and God just left us cosmic presents under a giant ass tree. I’m eating one.”

I pop it in my mouth. My friends sighs and mutters under his breathe as he looks for a smaller one to ingest.
I blink and the next thing I know I’m at an Arby’s and I got a gun in a woman’s mouth, but then she starts sucking on it all sexy like as she slowly morphs into my friend, who in reality is just eating a Big Roast Beef.

“Man, I’m fucking wasted,” I whisper. 

And he just nods and continues to commune with the strange meat.

The lights seem to be getting dim and I look around. There’s a spotlight shining on something by the front counter. I go over and there’s a woman laying behind the counter on the floor. She has just given birth to what looks like a small skinless pony.  The pony is trying to stand but it keeps falling over. Finally it gets up and steadies itself on knocked knees and just as its about to take its first step its grabbed by several hands of a large machine that tear its scared braying body into pieces. The pieces are then served on a bun with a sprig of mint to the waiting guests. When I look back to the woman she is pregnant again and staring up to me expectantly.

“Will everything be ok?”

Her large eyes search my face for some sort of sign. I smile and she smiles.

“Everything will be just fine.” I say to her, smoothing her hair. And suddenly I have the gun in my hand again.

(Source: hookersorcake)

A murder of crows are sqaunking and hollering atop the cellphone tower by the park. I can only imagine what effect this is having on phone conversations:

My dear I’m afraid I can’t hear you

for black is my heart and murder is my mind

I shall unwind your intestines

relieving you of that pest father time

Uhhmmm I’m sorry sir there must be something wrong with the phone, I have 1 large peperoni pizza, with pineapple, and 1 two liter bottle of coke. Does that complete your order?

You will always be mine forever and ever

The memory of you, surviving even the strangest of weather

Your black wings fan the screams of my burning heart

Till the world falls apart

And there is nothing but darkness.

Ok uhhh the total is 14.67 your pizza will be there in 30-40 minutes.

Did I ever tell you about Heyoka? He was the old man who lived in the cellar of the house I grew up in. He had long dark hair and was mostly skin and bones. No one ever paid any attention to him and after awhile I realized that he was probably a ghost, but he never scared me.

Whenever he’d show up I was always overcome with an intense kind of happiness. Everything would became silent and the lights would get brighter and he had a kind of song, it was a hum.  He always made me feel safe. Small animals would also appear, they’d grow out of the walls and graze upon the carpet and wallpaper. Heyoka would dance around backwards and do all sorts of silly things. He fit everything together for me in my head because he did everything in reverse. It was like I could finally see the whole picture, so whatever happened I saw its opposite and I knew. Whenever I was intensely alone, I would be alone with everything.

One Christmas he left me a present under the Christmas tree. It was bigger than the others and wrapped in a heavy black tar paper, the kind used to shingle roofs. I was excited to see what was in it and quickly opened it up. Inside was a smaller box covered in a thick dark blue paper and inside of it, another box wrapped in dark gray. Inside it, another box and so on and so forth… the paper and boxes continued until they were so light they were almost bright and too thin to see. I opened them all until I sat there with nothing. I was just surrounded by the endless darkening husks. The attached card read, “I live inside you now.”  This of course meant that now I lived inside of him, because Heyoka said everything backwards.

And he was true to his word. I never saw him after that. But sometimes I still feel the bright and hear the hum. And looky here the tree is still full with presents. I wonder whats inside?

So I guess the worlds not gonna end. Maybe we could fake it though, ya know?

When I was a kid I used to shine flashlights out into outerspace. My dad told me that the light went on forever and ever until it hit something. I imagined my light hitting some far away planet in the middle of the night and freaking out an alien. Or that I could fill outerspace with light from my flashlight. I also had the idea that somehow the universe was circular and if I shined the flashlight just right. I could create a huge loop. It never worked out though and its only now I realize its because it probably takes billions and billions of years for light to transverse the entire universe and I didn’t wait long enough.

Maybe thats all the end of the world is, just some kid, god, or alien waiting for completion or something. Trying to figure shit out with cheap odd instruments, toys, or whatever.

le

The turtle got in again. I forgot and left the backyard gate open, the turtle came in and dug 27 little holes. She comes from the canal that runs alongside our house. She comes out at night, up the bank, across the driveway and feels her way along the fence in darkness, looking for an opening. Sometimes I find her in the morning still feeling her way, on the other side of the fence, searching. She is large and heavy, as big around as a grown tree.

There is never anything in the holes, they are just holes with little mounds of dirt beside them. Is she looking for something? Has she lost her dreams? Is she planting new ones? Is she looking for a place to lay her eggs? Everyone seems to have a different opinion. Of course everyone agrees that I should close the gate, but I forget.

I sometimes imagine what the holes feel and see, suddenly opened up and gazing into the starry night sky. What does the turtle say to them? What songs do the stars whisper at night to the new darkness uncovered? I am always filled with questions and I wonder… 27 new holes. Who are you?

Chuẩn đô đốc or đề đốc

For a time I was seduced by the notion

I could become master of the wild blue ocean,

El Capitan or perhaps even Fleet Admiral

I didn’t realize, first I’d have to learn how to swim

I didn’t realize, first I’d have to learn how to drown

And I probably don’t have ta tell ya, but its a long way down.

Especially when you think you are climbing a mountain

or pissing in the fountain at the Taj Mahal

or the Mall of America.

The utter hysteria seen through the lens

that Jerry Garcia died of delerium tremens

But be not afraid, my dear beer drinking friends

of the end

for it all depends on a point of view that

was always is

magically stubborn

In my universe God is the last remaining human being. He/She/It is holding an eternal telethon/memorial/relief concert. All the best robot/ghost/holograms are there/here. Billy Joel, now the size of Saturn, is scheduled to sing New York State of Mind between mouthfuls of hot pizza. Lady Gaga and Kanye West have promised a fight to the death with giant foam rubber dildos.

God asks for a moment of silence in remembrance of humanity but God has accidentally sat on the button that starts all of the holograms doing their act at the same time. The resulting wall of sound coalesces into torrent of white noise that is then amplified by seventeen encores all at once. The screaming stream of humanity roars into deafening silence and we are again told the old story. The old story replete with blurry family photos and about three billion years of anticipation.