Bedtime Story
The founders of the great metropolis came from the surrounding jungle starving, they were looking for fruit. They wandered about fruitlessly until they saw something wriggling on the horizon, it was big, and it was pink. As they drew closer they realized it was a gigantic baby, bigger than a house. They proceeded to wonder out-loud just what the fuck a giant baby was doing in the middle of nowhere and the baby itself responded, “I am that which knows the winds secret and I see all of the lines that flow throughout time.” The travelers set up camp right there and prayed throughout the night to the baby, that it might take pity on them in their fruitless search. The baby told them that if they’d keep it safe from the ever encroaching forest, it would in turn tell them where the fruit was.
So the searchers settled there and cut down some nearby trees, building a barrier around the baby. They were careful to leave an opening for the baby’s daily meal. As it turned out, the baby ate nothing but lions. Each day at dusk a red hot air balloon would appear, land in the clearing, and a large ferocious lion would jump out. It would roar and sniff the air, rushing the baby. The baby would giggle and coo scoop the lion up as one might a miniature housecat and play with the savage beast until it tired of it and then rip off its head and devour it whole.
Many moons went by and the city became modern and no longer relied on fruit. The baby was more of a financial adviser telling the bankers where and how to invest and thus the city was quite prosperous. Though the baby still feasted on lions. Each day one would land somewhere in the city and make a beeline for city hall, where the baby lived. The city people no longer had to keep the ever encroaching forest at bay in fact there was barely any trees left at all. And one day the last tree was cut down. No one thought much of it but that night no lion showed up. It grew dark and just before midnight the baby asked, “Where’s my fucking lion?” The mayor stalled by saying the lion got hit by a truck and had been destroyed. He offered the baby all sorts of food, but the baby just began to cry and cry and cry. People lost their minds for fear and in their panic people began to riot and start fires and fights and even killed each other. The baby cried all night but come morning it was silent and fast asleep. As evening approached everyone fearfully waited but again there was no balloon and no lion. Finally, when the baby started to whimper was when I put on the lion suit.
The baby laughed at what a pathetic lion I was. I put up the best fight I could and the baby humored me for a time until he popped off my head with his thumb like a flower. He gobbled me up and thus started a new tradition of the sacrificial fake lions. The fake lion couldn’t be too shitty though or the baby’s advice would become slipshod and the city would lose a shit ton of money on penny stocks from Thailand or something. So a fake lion guild was formed, the baby was fed and life went on as normal in the big city.
