Maybe I’ll write a nice Christmas story…
In the backyard of my friends house there is a huge evergreen tree on a hill. Its tall enough to whisper to the birds and make friends with the clouds.
One Christmas Eve me and my best friend Jesse were over there making music in the basement. It was during one of our many smoke breaks out in the backyard that we saw some small red twinkling under the giant evergreen.
“You see that?” Jesse said
“Yeah.” I nod.
We slowly walk closer… tiny red lights. We get down on all fours and stick our heads under the low hanging branches like a couple midgets peeking under a fat woman’s dress. Mushrooms. Red and white ones. I pick a big one and hold it up.
“Dude,” I say way too seriously, “we need to eat these.”
“I don’t know if thats a good idea…” says Jesse.
“Its like the day before Christmas and God just left us cosmic presents under a giant ass tree. I’m eating one.”
I pop it in my mouth. Jesse sighs and mutters under his breathe as he looks for a smaller one to ingest.
I blink and the next thing I know I’m at an Arby’s and I got a gun in a woman’s mouth, but then she starts sucking on it all sexy like as she slowly morphs into my friend, who in reality is just eating a Big Roast Beef.
“Man, I’m fucking wasted,” I whisper.
And he just nods and continues to commune with the strange meat.
The lights seem to be getting dim and I look around. There’s a spotlight shining on something by the front counter. I go over and there’s a woman laying behind the counter on the floor. She has just given birth to what looks like a small skinless pony. The pony is trying to stand but it keeps falling over. Finally it gets up and steadies itself on knocked knees and just as its about to take its first step its grabbed by several hands of a large machine that tear its scared braying body into pieces. The pieces are then served on a bun with a sprig of mint to the waiting guests. When I look back to the woman she is pregnant again and staring up to me expectantly.
“Will everything be ok?”
Her large eyes search my face for some sort of sign. I smile and she smiles.
“Everything will be just fine.” I say to her, smoothing her hair. And suddenly I have a gun in my hand again.
