Hookers or Cake

Hey its my 2 year Tumblr anniversary! Lets celebrate with my Choose Your Own Adventure/Mustache book - Jade

You are the cocaine fueled lead singer of the defunct band, Shy Glove. It has been 6 years since your last hit single, “Mustache Fuss” and it has been a sharp jagged fall from the top. Your latest solo record “Mumbletop Mountain” opened on Billboards top 200 at #114, only to fall off the face of the earth and to never be heard from again. Your big tour was immediately cancelled and the only gigs you can get are opening for Creed at state fairs across the mid-west.

You owe money to evil people all over the world; Drug dealers, bookies, ex-spouses, club managers, gangsters, & even a dictator of some eastern block country, whose kids birthday you failed to show up at. Your only hope of even staying alive at this point is by getting the band back together for a reunion tour. The only problem is your old lead guitarist, Frank, has gone missing.

Linda, Franks wife, says that Frank started acting erratically in the past few months. He grew a mustache and started disappearing for days and then weeks at a time. Linda says she hasn’t seen Frank in 2 weeks but he appears at the house from time to time. She needs your help. Franks coke dealer, in El Segundo is also looking for him. Linda is worried.

Do you in Santa Monica to see Linda

or

Do you go over to

Working on some rough sketches for the next book which may or may not feature an old, incontinent assassin who thinks he’s Genghis Khan. For some reason he dresses up in a poncho and a cheap sombrero.

You find yourself chuckling, “Are you climbing a step ladder to heaven?”

Sticking your head through the ceiling you see Frank & Mr. Chief Billy. They are standing in a vast field of stars. You feel that same wave of peace that you felt when you watched that video.

Maybe everything isn’t perfect… Hell, maybe nothings perfect. We all do dumb things. And even other times we do brilliant things. Life happens. Its not that profound and yet it can be the most profound thing ever, if your alive.

2 years later you are back on tour with Frank and the whole band. Your new record “Mr. Chief Billy” hasn’t sold very well. But its sold well enough.  Well enough to keep you headlining State fairs. And hopefully people will take its message of mustache awareness to heart. If just one person is saved the treachery and despair of a mustache portal to another dimension gone awry… well then your times here has not been wasted.

The End

back to the

You strut across the street, back to the Liberace’ museum like you just fucked the San Diego Chicken. You watch Foster take all of the blow out of a wax likeness of Liberace’ while you count all the money. You decide right then and there that you both need to head down to the strip in style. It only makes sense, you have all this cocaine, you pretty much have to take the Rolls Royce that is covered in mirrors… right?

So you head down to the Bellagio. You figure you play some high stakes black jack and get a nice room comped plus maybe some extras.

Sure enough, not only do you get a lovely free suite but you also double your money at the tables.

Later that evening you are waist deep in hookers and blowing fat rails off the the bald head of Mr. Warmth himself - Don Rickles. Life couldn’t get any better.

3 weeks later you slip in a puddle of horse urine at the Kentucky Derby and end up a vegetable. It was fun while it lasted.

The End

go back to the

One thing you need to figure out. Your pal Foster thinks your broke. If you show him all the cash you just lucked into… well he may want some $$$ for the drugs.

Do you

or

Do you away

Your not sure what to do… But something has definitely changed.

So you decide to pick up and move to Sedona, Arizona and record spiritual albums. You end up making a decent living and you met a nice lady, named Lynette. The 2 of you get married and breed French Bulldogs as well as recording other new age artists. You buy a 5 bedroom 3 bathroom home in Sedona for $375,000 at 5.75% for 30 yrs fixed. You have 2 children named Bingo & Bongo. You have a good life. Everything is going so well… until one day you decide to grow a mustache.

(Cue ominous music)

The End

back up or start at the

Now might be a good time to make yourself scarce. You hop in your T.A. and fire her up. You gun er down the hill going about 60mph.

Damn. Red light. Double damn - No brakes. Triple damn - thats one big bus.

The End

Back up or start at the

This is just too weird. You turn and begin to walk down the stairs. You look around and the house now looks as if it were made from candy?! You pull a gumdrop off of the banister and the house starts to fall down around you. Making a run for it, you hurl yourself through the back door.

Now you find yourself in the middle of a vast desert. No house, no candy, no L.A. just desert as far as you can see.

The End

Back up or start at the

You hop the fence, coming in behind them you may get the drop on em. Sneaking through the door you are surprised that everything is so quiet and still. You pause and listen. Not a sound. Waiting for what feels like an eternity, you look around on the ground floor and check the back yard. No one. You finally make your way up the stairs. 2 bedrooms and 1 bathroom. The house is empty.

There is a large step ladder in the middle of one of the bedrooms. Above it you notice some dark spot. As you focus on the spot a hole opens in the ceiling revealing a whole night sky full of stars.

Do you and see whats up there

or

Do you decide