Hookers or Cake

A la mode - Ala made - Allee allee oxen free

In watching the political arguments and situational TV, and it’s occurred to me,

All Ye All Ye In Come Free

The game is over for there is no win, truly. Sure we have rituals; football and religion. In these sacred plays there are the Chicago Cubs and there are NY Yankee fans. There is the republican and there is the democrat. Its a straw mans bluff. The only enemy truly, is ignorance and as the old insurance man/poet, Wallace Stevens wrote, The Only Emperor is the Emperor of Ice Cream!

A la mode! My dear man.

There are no bad guys and no good guys. Oh sure there are rabid bubbling monsters, minds gone haywire, and all sorts of wild cold brokeness but what I’m talking about is the story. You know the ones we tell ourselves.

“Life is a boundless mystery,” said another insurance… err man, actually I guess he’s a thoughtful lizard. Actually he hasn’t said that yet, the friendly insurance selling lizard on TV I mean, but I’ve hired him and the ad company that created him and I am paying them vast sums of my fortune to say hopeful and strange things during commercials on TV. I’m not selling anything, well actually I’m selling the idea of wonder, because it diminishes ignorance, but I’m not selling material things. Because wonder is a funny thing in its thinglessness. DO you ever wonder? I do, its my favorite thing. I cock my head much in the same manner as my dog. I hear the magic words and I think “I know this,” I whisper to myself, “I know this mystery” just like my dog knows the word walk, she knows the word and feels that its a good thing so she wonders some more and Eureka! A good thing indeed. A walk. We go out and uncover things and investigate the smells and the asses and the trees. Hmmmm… I wonder. (where was I? Oh yes, wonder)

I’m a billionaire and I’ve found that people really don’t have any use for all the shit they buy and it doesn’t make them happy or interesting, in fact it does quite the opposite. I found that the only thing that makes people happy is losing themselves in the wonder and awe of the moment. What will happen next? We don’t know, but we’re hopeful because since before we can remember and before we were born there is this interesting sense. Do it right now, wonder with me. Think back to before you were born. Wonder about it. Where where you? Feel it. Where did you come from? And where do you go when its all said and done? I don’t care about your answers, in fact please shut the fuck up with the answers, but please let me see your wonder. It melts away the ignorance and gives birth to a kind of knowing, the kind I often have when I hear the words, All Ye All Ye in Come Free and the word A la mode. And its just not because I love freedom and pie and ice cream. I just like it when morons finally say something out loud that’s mysterious and interesting. It makes me wonder.

:

In an effort to mobilize younger voters the Obama administration is reportedly considering legalizing Marijuana. “People are just not as excited as last time, and the more younger people that get out to vote the better it will be for us and the future of America,” said Vice President Joe Biden on a campaign stop in a Waffle House in North Carolina, late Friday night/early Saturday morning.

Plans have even gone so far as to draft a legal ‘420’ tender. A currency that would be solely for drug procurement. It would be worth $80 dollars American or 4 x $20 and be able to be traded for “a quarter of pretty decent shit,” according to unnamed white house sources. The currency would feature a picture of famous cannabis advocate and everyones favorite pot head, Willie Nelson in front of an American flag and state on the back, “In Willie We Trust.”

Jade Bos of Hookers or Cake for

Last Autumn I went down to that new church by the river. Everyone just looked at their I-phones while the minister gulped hot coffee and screamed at gods crotch. I was still heartbroken over losing Tammy but I’d found peace.

I decided to go to the old steakhouse after church, to have myself a nice steak dinner and a few highballs, then I’d blow my brains out while I rode the mechanical bull. But once I got a bellyfull of meat and whiskey and drew my revolver, riding that bull …ohh the screams! I still get hard when I think about it.

In the beginning there was only a robot that liked to tell dirty jokes. The problem was that it would laugh so hard at it own jokes it would jangle and jingle until it was nothing but a pile of black iron scrap surrounding a blood red heart. As the pieces and parts seemed to twitter and sing and tear and feed upon the heart they became like a flock of little birds that flew in a million directions away.
The scientists call this the big bang gang bang.
Of course the birds were in turn devoured by this wild crazy infinite bitch that is reality its very self and what grew out of this communion was humanity, the tree of life. The scientists go on to say that this magnificent tree grows and flows all about, bearing much fruit. Fruit for dirty jokes telling robots, no doubt.

I was 5 years old when Elvis died. I didn’t know who he was. They called him THE KING! He looked like some exotic fat sweating Hindu love God to me. Today is the 35th anniversary of his death. May his soul sing for all eternity baby!

Last night I was visited by 3 Elvis’s

The young, crazy vibrant Elvis

The fat, drugged old Elvis

and the massive dead Elvis

They told me to change my ways baby

that I was losing hydrogen and helium at my core

while expanding in mass.

Then they asked if I was going to eat that. They were pointing at my kitchen wall. I said no and stepped aside.

With a high leg kick and pelvic thrust young Elvis tore the wall from its studs, his manhood making love to it in several different ways and yet somehow all at once.

Fat Elvis snorted up the dust and sang a jaunty ramblin’ tune all while cooking the larger remnants of the wall into a red hot cosmic frittata.

Dead Elvis held the entire scene in his infinite mouth. His massive mutton chops closing in upon it from time to time, obliterating all light and sound. Then the giant Tibetan horns sounded and the mutton chops lifted and the whole cycle began again.  This repeated itself throughout the commercial break during the age of Kali Yuga and then we went for for some ice cream.

This story and drawing are from the book only $8.95 on Amazon, baby!

(Source: hookersorcake)

Part 2 continued… read part 1 here

Though it was almost full daylight it was still quite dark in the forest. The whiskey strummed me up a bit but it was still too damn quiet. All I could hear was the crunching of my own footsteps, dead leaves, twigs, and pine needles. I kept stopping and listening because it felt like the footsteps were following me. I would walk in perfect rhythm and then stop, but there was nothing, only total silence. It must’ve been some kind of echo or my mind playing tricks on me. Another tug of whiskey and I trudged on. I’d probably only walked about a mile when a crow screamed from the tree. I nearly pissed myself. I took a deep breathe and heard another crow a ways down answer. A hundred yards further there was a clearing and then I saw it, it was the house. I couldn’t breathe. It looked exactly like our old house before it burned down. All the windows where missing and the paint was faded down to the bare wood, but it was almost identical. Probably built by the same company. Lots of houses around the lake had a similar layout, but only ours and this one had the large porch and bay windows that looked out at you with giant black empty eyes.

It had been more than ten years since the fire. I don’t remember much about it. I was only a kid. All I remember is being in the hospital, eating ice cream, and a lady telling me that the smoke had put Mom, Dad, and Travis to sleep and they didn’t wake up.

Back in the woods I heard a loud crack and saw a flashing grey black bolt round the corner of the house and come straight for me. I froze. I felt myself tilting sideways and tumbling out of my head. I saw myself raise the shotgun and blast as the dark grey lunged for me. I don’t know if the thing knocked me over or what but it felt like it ran right through me. Suddenly I was fully back in my body. I’d dropped the shotgun and quickly drew the .357, scrambling to my feet. There laying next to my head was a massive pile of grey fur. It was a wolf, and it was huge. I watched closely, to see if it was still breathing, but it lay as still as a stone. I couldn’t see were I’d hit it. I didn’t see any blood. I wasn’t about turn it over, so I found the shotgun and blasted it again. Once I was certain it was dead I dug out the machete. I wasn’t going to be able to drag it back but I could cut off its head and bring it into town. I’d never heard of a wolf attacking a human, but this one had attacked me. So it was probably rabid and the same one that mauled Renee at the store which was only a couple of miles from here.

Once I had the head wrapped in my pack I slowly backed away from the house and once I turned around I ran as fast as I could straight back to the truck. It felt like the devil and god knows what else was chasing me. I probably would’ve set some cross country record that day and I was never more relieved in my whole life to start that truck and get the hell out of there. Little did I know that I’d be back several hours later in the middle of the night.

(to be continued part 2 of 4)

Somehow I ended up going out on a date with someone I met on a suicide hotline. We had a fabulous time, dinner at this wonderfully strange Vietnamese restaurant next to a laundromat, then a couple of drinks at some wine bar/bookstore/arcade where we laughed and laughed. Afterwards we stopped at some odd bakery where no one spoke English, ate some chocolate thingy with our hands and drank really good coffee out of shitty styrofoam cups. We then went back to my place and had surprising wonderful sex in my kitchen, bedroom, and bathroom.

They killed themselves the next day. Still not sure how I feel about it. Goddammit I wish I knew how to feel about it.

At night I wonder out into the back yard and hold an impromptu funeral. I dig hundreds of shallow graves and whisper the dreams I’ve seen into the damp earth. In the morning a forest has grown up all around us. I wander out into it and listen until I hear. There is a bird singing somewhere, off in the distance. I follow its song happily, into the dark heart of the leaves. 

Hey thanks to ordinarywonder for reviewing my

It reminded me, now that I’m unemployed I should promote my books and art. Maybe I’ll make a few bucks! Ahh, I’ll probably blow it on airplane glue.

So, if you would like a set of the new full color Kurt Vonnegut postcards just review my book on Amazon and I’ll send you a free set of 13! or if you want, I still have some Bukowski, Hunter S. Thompson, and Philip K. Dick postcards. 

Message me once you’ve and tell me what you want and I’ll drop you a free 13 in the mail. Deal?

He was playing by himself when the monster burst through the bushes, and came at him, roaring. The little boy ran as fast as he could. He was lucky the monster didn’t catch him. When the boy returned to the sandbox hours later his sand castle had been smashed and his toys broken.

Over the years the monster broke a lot of his toys and even stole his food. The boy lived in constant fear of the monster. He could burst out at any moment, from anywhere. No matter what he did or where he hid the monster always found him and he had to run for his very life.

It took the boy a long time to learn to be careful and how to outsmart the monster. In fact after a long while the boy became so clever that he even followed the monster one day to see were it lived. To his surprise the monster lumbered into the shed behind the boys house. And when the boy peered into the window he saw the monster take off his mask, the monster was the boys father.

The monster never came after that and the boy grew into an adult and forgot all about monsters and toys. He went off to school far away, got a good job in the city, fell in love, and got married.

It wasn’t long after that a baby was on the way. The day the baby was born a large black box wrapped with a white ribbon appeared on the front porch. Inside the box was the mask of the monster. There was also a card from his father. All it said was “ROAR!”