Hookers or Cake

Maybe I’ll write a nice Christmas story…

In the backyard of my friends house there is a huge evergreen tree on a hill. Its tall enough to whisper to the birds and make friends with the clouds.

One Christmas Eve me and my best friend Jesse were over there making music in the basement. It was during one of our many smoke breaks out in the backyard that we saw some small red twinkling under the giant evergreen.

“You see that?” Jesse said

“Yeah.” I nod.

We slowly walk closer…  tiny red lights. We get down on all fours and stick our heads under the low hanging branches like a couple midgets peeking under a fat woman’s dress. Mushrooms. Red and white ones. I pick a big one and hold it up.

“Dude,” I say way too seriously, “we need to eat these.”

“I don’t know if thats a good idea…” says Jesse.

“Its like the day before Christmas and God just left us cosmic presents under a giant ass tree. I’m eating one.”

I pop it in my mouth. Jesse sighs and mutters under his breathe as he looks for a smaller one to ingest.
I blink and the next thing I know I’m at an Arby’s and I got a gun in a woman’s mouth, but then she starts sucking on it all sexy like as she slowly morphs into my friend, who in reality is just eating a Big Roast Beef.

“Man, I’m fucking wasted,” I whisper. 

And he just nods and continues to commune with the strange meat.

The lights seem to be getting dim and I look around. There’s a spotlight shining on something by the front counter. I go over and there’s a woman laying behind the counter on the floor. She has just given birth to what looks like a small skinless pony.  The pony is trying to stand but it keeps falling over. Finally it gets up and steadies itself on knocked knees and just as its about to take its first step its grabbed by several hands of a large machine that tear its scared braying body into pieces. The pieces are then served on a bun with a sprig of mint to the waiting guests. When I look back to the woman she is pregnant again and staring up to me expectantly.

“Will everything be ok?”

Her large eyes search my face for some sort of sign. I smile and she smiles.

“Everything will be just fine.” I say to her, smoothing her hair. And suddenly I have a gun in my hand again.

Lost in some soft tumbling darkness

wandering to the store in a stoners happy haze

ice cream and maybe some chips…

I see Jesus is on the roof at Walgreens. He’s gigantic and has creamy white thighs and Oh wow! He’s… yeah he’s touching it.

Jesus came back as a giant, listless, sexual pervert. At first it was a really big deal. 

“Christ has returned!” It was all anyone talked about

and then he just became a nuisance.

Jacking off to a field of flowers or a sunset

people would just call the fire department

and they’d hose him down and he’d try and smash the fire truck.

You’d be driving home and the radio would say, Jesus is north of 57th on the turnpike and tearing shit up. Traffic would be backed up for miles.

Yeah, Jesus aint gonna go so quietly the second time.

Hey the greeter at Wal-Mart just told me the best story!

I went to visit my mother every month or so. We’d usually watch a movie or something on TV. She lived in this weird old apartment above a 7-11. I always liked that apartment. Years later they would discover that beneath the 7-11 was an ancient crypt. Actually, it was an ancient Chucky Cheese Pizza place, from the future. It was full of dead alien robots delivering pizza that did not exist yet.

Beneath the future Chuckie Cheese was a lost cave where the Druids of Gaul had once worshiped the virgo paritura (the virgin mother of god) 

It was in that same cave that God got his first handjob and sprayed painted the words to “My Sharona”

The New Age shop down the way started selling sex toys. It was only a matter of time once they started selling tantric sex yoga books. Its a slippery slope.

I’d wandered in to see if they had any Wilhelm Riech books for my dominatrix, Marie, and I discovered they had a whole ‘sexuality’ section. I was pleasantly suprised to see a couple of ‘spiritual fisting’ books and what could be best desribed as a gigantic dildo section.

“Come on! I’m a middle aged white guy in a new age gift shop, I obviously have inadequecy issues, do you have to wave giant cocks in my face?”

While a lesbian couple snickered at my obvious discomfort, I spied the best thing I had ever seen. Dildo Ouroboros: A motorized sex toy that fuck’s itself. The box was emblazoned with slogans:

• A real conversation piece (if you can keep it out of your mouth!)
• You can fuck it - it can fuck you - or it can fuck itself!
• For the hard to please narcissist.
• Buy several and make a chain of ‘fucking machines’ to bind your hands and feet as you drown in a endless sea of desperation!

Wow, I betcha my lawyer would enjoy one of these. Hell, I might as well get one for my guru too.

The old story spoke of a blood red bird that lived in a dark tangle of wires inside a robots chest. The robot was a medic in the military. It retrieved the bodies from the front line.

Once the robot brought back all the wounded and the dead it would be repaired if it’d been shot up or damaged. The bird would also be watered and fed.

In the evening the bird would sing the robot to sleep, and sometimes sing to it all night long, however long it took.

And when the robot awoke in the morning it would be refreshed.

Happy Thanksgiving from Hookers or Cake

A Charlie Bronson Thanksgiving (aka Death wish VII)

While I shall always be amazed by the hilarious speed of the sun

I am afeared to admit that I no longer understand time

I keep showing up in the middle of epic historic battles
and celebratory mall openings
with scuffed up dress shoes

scuffs that speak to the delicate mystery
a mystery so nuanced by its own seductive notion
that I cannot act upon this lurid emotion

of my love for thee

Gawdammit woman! What I’m trying to say is that because of feelings of masculine inadequacy I shall spend the rest of my nights out in the driveway, crying some form of darkness.

IE. Drinking beer and listening to AC/DC

M*A*S*H* was a pretty crazy TV show if you think about it. It was a sit-com that took place in a emergency hospital in the middle of a war zone. That would be like if Seinfeld was the same kinda show it always was, only chock full of rape and murder.

Jerry: He cut off her face and had it sent to the cleaners.

George: (stopping) He cut her face off? And had it sent to the cleaners?

Jerry: (also stopping - now facing George) Yes, he cut off her face!

George: (gesturing wildly) And had it sent to the cleaners?!

Jerry: I know!

George: Which cleaners? (laughter)

Jerry: (without missing a beat) Garspagio’s on 5th

George: WHAA?! (hushed an worried) Garspagio’s is my mothers dry cleaner!

Jerry: My mothers too. Why do you think I’m so upset?

Kramer slides into the scene with a hotdog shoved in his mouth and one in each hand. He takes the hotdog out of his mouth, almost dropping it several times.

(The audience fucking pisses itself with laughter)

Kramer: Hey you guys know that dry cleaners on 5th? They’re giving away free hotdogs. (big laugh) Jerry, I saw your mother there. (bigger laugh) She touched me. (biggest laugh)