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------------------------------------ There was a large painting of Evel Knievel shaking hands with Richard Nixon. It hung in the Mayors office. Late one evening after everyone went home. I took it down to the lab. I zoomed in on Evel’s left eye a 100x and enhanced it. It was an address. I went to the address. It was a modest, 1970’s style, split level ranch home in the suburbs.
----------------------------------- Inside I found a dead parrot lying on a waterbed. I revived the parrot with some saltines and adrenaline. We became good friends. The parrots name was Randy. One night a few years later while Randy and me played Gin Rummy, he sang me a song about a fire. The title of this blog was never mentioned but I sensed it, and Randy confirmed it by giving me ‘THE LOOK’.
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“Be willing to beat a child to death for a nickel. I’ve found a good way to do this is in doing charity work for crippled children, not only will people think you’re a good person but the crippled children are much easier to kill than healthy uncrippled children.”
- God
author of How to Get Ahead in Sales and the NY Times bestseller, Fuck You, Africa!
“Jesus is the kinda cat who talks himself out of sleeping with a really hot broad…
and I can’t hang with a God like that.
Women are awesome. Fucking is awesome. Life is awesome.”
- Jack Kerouac
“There is no judgement, only the song of a child.” - Ronald Reagan
These were the last words of Ronald Reagan, who was a notorious 20th century, American prick. Don’t let the media fool you. That guy sucked. He was a dumb actor who lucked into the right business deal.
I fasted with my good Christian mother on the day of the election 1984 to help Reagan win the presidency of the United States of America. It worked too, he & Bush fucking crushed Mondale and Ferraro. I was 12 at the time. I remember going to bed that evening and I was so hungry I would’ve eaten a live poisonous snake.
Then I hit my head
before I reached the bed
and my brain was afire with dreams
I was in a clearing helping a wounded animal when I shuddered with love and flew into its mouth - I moved as the animal did and the air was actually a solid landscape of immersed color. The trees and vegetation sighed a beautiful pink swirling love - the rapsody of that song I’ve never heard sung before or there everafter. And I grew so found of the blue breathe of my death that I saw clearly for the first time what reality truly was…
I awoke the next day and immediately became a preacher. Sure it only lasted about 6 hours but my ministry was glorious. I learned that if enough people believe something to be true… then it is. I also learned that each single human being exerts enough energy in its lifetime to power the whole of New York City for about 23 minutes, but thats another story entirely.
So I set about on my plan for saving humanity’s soul through the purity of Christ’s blood… later that evening, I and humanity had the mutual good fortune of another discovery. The discovery of masturbation and that was that.
The song of the child was over and a new one had just begun.
Amen.
Lets see…
cute kitten - check
Justin Bieber - check
heady quote - check
Paris Hilton’s vagina - check
Now I just sit back and watch the money roll in. (cue evil laughter)
“You clear that bong right this instant young lady! There are bored kids in the suburbs who would give their spleens for that bowl.”
- June Cleever
“So maybe I had a little too much to drink last night. I thought that I was listening to Skip James and enjoying a giant pile of cocaine. Come to find out my roommates white cat was just meowing at me because I kept poking at it with my American Express card and trying to snort it.”
- Condoleezza Rice
“You look long enough into the cookie jar and the cookie jar begins to look back through you.”
- Frederick Nietzsche
“Its as if he shot a hole in each of his songs, filled them full of tangy BBQ sauce and then fucked em.”
- Johann Strauss II “The Waltz King” on Iggy Pop
“…after a few more drinks all the “stars” masks started to fall apart and real people began to peak through. Fags, Sex addicts, Drunks, Imbeciles. Society had turned on itself. It was a airless nightmare staged in a box that I never understood.”
- Charles Bukowski on his appearance on Match Game 77’
“Baby, I’m gonna buy you a mansion and burn it down to the ground.”
- Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart
