Hookers or Cake

"Hey, its like I tell my cat, if you’re gonna drink outta the faucet don’t come meowing to me if you get a little wet."

— Ghengis Khan

“I farted and it sounded like a question.”

-Soren Kierkegaard

“Maybe the Bible was just some really far out Cosmo sex article about how to dominate yourself on a subliminal level.”

-Mildred Pierce (the 13th President of the United States of America)

The last words of Dick Cheney. (Don’t get excited, he aint dead yet)

“Enlightenment is like God pulling down her panties in your Trans-AM”

 -The four hundred and third patriarch of Zen

(Source: )

“Reminds me of the time we taught a Gizzly Bear how to teeter totter, I mean who the fuck is gonna teeter totter with a 1,000 lb Grizzly Bear?!” - Sir Issac Hayes

“Be willing to beat a child to death for a nickel. I’ve found a good way to do this is in doing charity work for crippled children, not only will people think you’re a good person but the crippled children are much easier to kill than healthy uncrippled children.”

- God 

author of How to Get Ahead in Sales and the NY Times bestseller, Fuck You, Africa!

“Jesus is the kinda cat who talks himself out of sleeping with a really hot broad…

and I can’t hang with a God like that.

 Women are awesome.  Fucking is awesome.  Life is awesome.”

  - Jack Kerouac

“There is no judgement, only the song of a child.” - Ronald Reagan

These were the last words of Ronald Reagan, who was a notorious 20th century, American prick. Don’t let the media fool you. That guy sucked. He was a dumb actor who lucked into the right business deal.

 I fasted with my good Christian mother on the day of the election 1984 to help Reagan win the presidency of the United States of America. It worked too, he & Bush fucking crushed Mondale and Ferraro. I was 12 at the time. I remember going to bed that evening and I was so hungry I would’ve eaten a live poisonous snake. 

Then I hit my head

before I reached the bed

and my brain was afire with dreams

I was in a clearing helping a wounded animal when I shuddered with love and flew into its mouth - I moved as the animal did and the air was actually a solid landscape of immersed color. The trees and vegetation sighed a beautiful pink swirling love - the rapsody of that song I’ve never heard sung before or there everafter. And I grew so found of the blue breathe of my death that I saw clearly for the first time what reality truly was…

 I awoke the next day and immediately became a preacher. Sure it only lasted about 6 hours but my ministry was glorious. I learned that if enough people believe something to be true… then it is. I also learned that each single human being exerts enough energy in its lifetime to power the whole of New York City for about 23 minutes, but thats another story entirely.

So I set about on my plan for saving humanity’s soul through the purity of Christ’s blood… later that evening, I and humanity had the mutual good fortune of another discovery. The discovery of masturbation and that was that. 

The song of the child was over and a new one had just begun.

Amen.

Lets see…

cute kitten - check

Justin Bieber - check

heady quote - check

Paris Hilton’s vagina - check

Now I just sit back and watch the money roll in. (cue evil laughter)