Hookers or Cake

Where the self-obsessed get serious about silly
I'm too wacky to be hip.

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    • ------------------------------------- How this blog got its name

      ------------------------------------ There was a large painting of Evel Knievel shaking hands with Richard Nixon. It hung in the Mayors office. Late one evening after everyone went home. I took it down to the lab. I zoomed in on Evel’s left eye a 100x and enhanced it. It was an address. I went to the address. It was a modest, 1970’s style, split level ranch home in the suburbs.

      ----------------------------------- Inside I found a dead parrot lying on a waterbed. I revived the parrot with some saltines and adrenaline. We became good friends. The parrots name was Randy. One night a few years later while Randy and me played Gin Rummy, he sang me a song about a fire. The title of this blog was never mentioned but I sensed it, and Randy confirmed it by giving me ‘THE LOOK’.

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          • November 28, 2010 1:55 am
            I happened to make the acquaintance of a very nice lady,she had a great set of tits.In fact I found that I rather enjoyed placing my penis between her breasts and rubbing myself into a hot, happy mess.well some years later she got cancer and they removed her fabulous bosom and now I no longer know what it is that I am fucking cancer, memories, death… cold empty space?I can honestly say that I find all of this somehow much more fulfilling. To be uncertain and afraid and yet still fucking

            I happened to make the acquaintance of a very nice lady,
            she had a great set of tits.
            In fact I found that I rather enjoyed placing my penis between her breasts and rubbing myself into a hot, happy mess.
            well some years later she got cancer and they removed her fabulous bosom

            and now I no longer know what it is that I am fucking

            cancer, memories, death… cold empty space?

            I can honestly say that I find all of this somehow much more fulfilling.

            To be uncertain and afraid and yet still fucking

          • November 27, 2010 11:19 am
            God would get tremendously bored if it weren’t for the devil. So I guess thats why we kept Phil around.  We threw these parties where there’d be all the usual debauchery; sex, drugs and mad libs but then Phil would call up a pizza delivery boy and pay a sex worker ridiculous amounts of money to act out a 3 hour performance of a “very special Fresh Prince of Bel Aire” episode… you know the one where Will Smith yells “You are not my Father!” Some of the performances were actually pretty good. We filmed a couple and I think one of em even won the Palme d’or at Cannes. Ohhh maybe not. I think it was the Dukes of Hazard Kabuki re-enactment that won the Palm d’or that year and we won Cher or something. pic via properpooch words by Hookers or Cake

            God would get tremendously bored if it weren’t for the devil. So I guess thats why we kept Phil around.

             We threw these parties where there’d be all the usual debauchery; sex, drugs and mad libs but then Phil would call up a pizza delivery boy and pay a sex worker ridiculous amounts of money to act out a 3 hour performance of a “very special Fresh Prince of Bel Aire” episode… you know the one where Will Smith yells “You are not my Father!”

            Some of the performances were actually pretty good. We filmed a couple and I think one of em even won the Palme d’or at Cannes.

            Ohhh maybe not. I think it was the Dukes of Hazard Kabuki re-enactment that won the Palm d’or that year and we won Cher or something.

            pic via words by Hookers or Cake

          • November 25, 2010 11:47 am
            Happy Thanksgiving from Hookers or Cake

            Happy Thanksgiving from Hookers or Cake

          • November 23, 2010 10:06 am
            “I haven’t been touched like that in ages,” Rose whispered to Stella after the mandatory TSA pat down. “Hell I aint been touched period, in… well I guess its been almost 20 years.” sighed Stella. The dormant oxytocin released into their systems as a result of human contact now produced a flush and rush of feelings and emotions. “I need a fucking cigarette,” declared Stella standing up. “Oh Stella, there aint a cigarette around here for twenty miles.” “Bullshit!” Stella blurted. “I saw a smoking room next to that bar. Come on Rose, lets go get a drink.” And the two of them tottered off in search of a Pall Mall and a proper Tom Collins. Later that evening someone got a phone call. It seems that grandma had broke her hip, falling off of a bar. words by Hookers or Cake pic via rrrick

            “I haven’t been touched like that in ages,” Rose whispered to Stella after the mandatory TSA pat down.

            “Hell I aint been touched period, in… well I guess its been almost 20 years.” sighed Stella.

            The dormant oxytocin released into their systems as a result of human contact now produced a flush and rush of feelings and emotions.

            “I need a fucking cigarette,” declared Stella standing up.

            “Oh Stella, there aint a cigarette around here for twenty miles.”

            “Bullshit!” Stella blurted. “I saw a smoking room next to that bar. Come on Rose, lets go get a drink.”

            And the two of them tottered off in search of a Pall Mall and a proper Tom Collins.

            Later that evening someone got a phone call. It seems that grandma had broke her hip, falling off of a bar.

            words by Hookers or Cake pic via

            (Source: )

          • November 22, 2010 9:02 am
            A Charlie Bronson Thanksgiving (aka Death wish VII)

            A Charlie Bronson Thanksgiving (aka Death wish VII)

          • November 21, 2010 11:25 am
            The bright recognition of ones own mortality, poops on the ol giggle parade. Last night I was visited by 3 Elvis’s The young, crazy vibrant Elvis The fat, drugged old Elvis and the massive dead Elvis They told me to change my ways baby that I was losing hydrogen and helium at my core while expanding in mass. then they asked me if I was going to eat that they were pointing at a bare wall I said no and stepped aside. They tore the drywall from the studs and young Elvis thrust his manhood upon it making love to it in several different ways and yet somehow all at once. Fat Elvis crushed up the parts young Elvis was done with. He snorted up the dust but the larger parts he cooked into a cosmic frittata using a red hot skillet. Dead Elvis just held the whole scene in its infinite mouth - his massive mutton chops would close in upon it obliterating all light and sound. Then the giant horns would sound and the mutton chops lift and the whole cycle would begin again.  This repeated itself all through the commercial break during the age of Kali Yuga and then we went for ice cream.

            The bright recognition of ones own mortality, poops on the ol giggle parade.

            Last night I was visited by 3 Elvis’s

            The young, crazy vibrant Elvis

            The fat, drugged old Elvis

            and the massive dead Elvis

            They told me to change my ways baby

            that I was losing hydrogen and helium at my core

            while expanding in mass.

            then they asked me if I was going to eat that

            they were pointing at a bare wall

            I said no and stepped aside.

            They tore the drywall from the studs and young Elvis thrust his manhood upon it making love to it in several different ways and yet somehow all at once.

            Fat Elvis crushed up the parts young Elvis was done with. He snorted up the dust but the larger parts he cooked into a cosmic frittata using a red hot skillet.

            Dead Elvis just held the whole scene in its infinite mouth - his massive mutton chops would close in upon it obliterating all light and sound. Then the giant horns would sound and the mutton chops lift and the whole cycle would begin again.  This repeated itself all through the commercial break during the age of Kali Yuga and then we went for ice cream.

          • November 19, 2010 9:52 pm
            I find the old picturelike a forgotten candy bar tucked away in ones bootonly to be remembered in the middle of a munchie fueled, drugcrazed searchIt is in quiet moments like this that I meditate on theeYou break out and are upon melike the warm shhuddering piss of a walrus at a breakfast buffetI find myself helplessand in awe of your immense power and graceThe Greek Chorus may taunt mesinging (to the tune of Camptown Ladies) “Johnny Cash didn’t havea mustache - doo-da - doo-da”but I simply smile to myself, because I know the truth…Just because you don’t see a mustache doesn’t mean it isn’t there.



            I find the old picture

            like a forgotten candy bar tucked away in ones boot

            only to be remembered in the middle of a munchie fueled, drug

            crazed search



            It is in quiet moments like this that I meditate on thee

            You break out and are upon me

            like the warm shhuddering piss of a walrus at a breakfast buffet

            I find myself helpless

            and in awe of your immense power and grace



            The Greek Chorus may taunt me

            singing (to the tune of Camptown Ladies) “Johnny Cash didn’t have

            a mustache - doo-da - doo-da”

            but I simply smile to myself, because I know the truth…



            Just because you don’t see a mustache doesn’t mean it isn’t there.

          • November 19, 2010 10:02 am
            TGIF Bitches…

            TGIF Bitches…

            (Source: )

          • November 17, 2010 9:09 pm
            And the king bestowed upon me a set of magical wrenches encrusted with priceless jewels but they were metric and therefore fucking worthless

            And the king bestowed upon me

            a set of magical wrenches

            encrusted with priceless jewels

            but they were metric

            and therefore fucking worthless

          • November 16, 2010 6:07 pm
            rrrick:yeatsofhell:iamearthly:carlovely: 40 dinosaurs having sex Diplodocus got it going on y’all

            ::::

            40 dinosaurs having sex

            Diplodocus got it going on y’all