Hookers or Cake

Hey Guys can we get serious here for a minute. I know its cliche and you’re probably tired of hiring about this subject, but its important to all of us and to this great country we live in.

So here’s the deal people. Celebrities; they don’t get enough attention, they don’t get enough praise, they don’t get enough admiration. I know you’re thinking “Hey internet guy, I want to be a celebrity. I think it’d be awesome.” Yeah I know, but did you ever stop and think of just what the celebrity goes through? Somewhere right now, while you’re just fiddlin around on the internet, Ryan the movie star guy is getting his teeth capped, Britney is getting her asshole bleached (for the 14th time) and that silly model chick is being interviewed on German TV. (Have you ever been interviewed on German TV? Have you? Trust me its no fun.)

Now I want you to think about something else. What do you suppose Kim Kardasian would do for a living if she wasn’t famous or didn’t come from money? Do you think she has discernible skills of any sort? I mean other than holding still whilst being painted. Do you think she could survive 10 minutes in the real world, with the skill set of an inanimate object?

These emotional stunted, talentless, vain whores need our help. If they are to develop any sort of character or humanity they need our vitriol, they need our hate and sneering jokes. Duality and strife are the only way a depth of being is developed, man cannot live on bottle service alone. If celebrities get everything they want they will devolve into 2 year olds and everyone knows 2 year olds are complete assholes.

So next time you see Sean Penn and think Wow! What an awesome guy. He cares about Haiti and he’s balls deep in a starlet, and on his 2cnd 8-ball of the evening. I want you to realize that poor little Sean Penn will never know the true bliss of being a nobody. He and those like him need our support and prayers. Its not easy getting everything you want all of the time. Sooner or later you’ll run out of drug habits and things to want and then you’ll be in big trouble, just ask that one zen guy, you know the famous one, with the book?

The New Age shop down the way started selling sex toys. It was only a matter of time once they started selling tantric yoga sex books. Its a slippery slope.

I’d wandered in to see if they had any Wilhelm Riech books for my dominatrix, Marie, and I discovered they had a whole ‘sexuality’ section. I was pleasantly surprised to see a couple of ‘spiritual fisting’ books and what could be best described as a gigantic dildo section.

“Come on! I’m a middle aged white guy in a new age gift shop, I obviously have inadequacy issues, now you gotta wave giant cocks in my face?”

While a lesbian couple snickered at my obvious discomfort I spied the best thing I had ever seen. Dildo Ouroboros: A motorized sex toy that fuck’s itself. The box was emblazoned with slogans:

• A real conversation piece (if you can keep it out of your mouth!)
• You can fuck it - it can fuck you - or it can fuck itself!
• For the hard to please narcissist.
• Buy several and make a chain of ‘fucking machines’ to bind your hands and feet as you drown in a endless sea of desperation!

Wow, I betcha my lawyer would enjoy one of these. Hell, I might as well get one for my guru too.

Did you know that Hookers or Cake began life as a pornographic blog? That might explain the name. I would post softcore, amatuer porn and write terrible poetry inspired by the pictures. Here is an example (for scientific use only! NSFW)

I’ve since learned that all forms of pornography are wrong. Interestingly its only men who have pointed this out to me. They love and care about women so much that they feel it thier duty to eradicate pornography from the face of the earth. I am with them. I love women too and I do not want them hurt by this dirty filth we know as pornography.

Tis a shame because I really liked looking at boobies. Actually its the face and the boobays in unison. Really it was the whole naked ladieness of giggling, jiggling flesh… that I enjoyed. But its wrong, so no more.

The problem is that since I’ve given up porn I’ve noticed myself looking at even modestly clothed ladies, lustily. Yesterday I saw a newspaper ad with a woman wearing a brassiere and almost bit a hole in my favorite cardigan. National Geographic is off limits, so are museums. Those Spanish speaking TV channels are full of porn. Bouncing, laughing, full blown, temptresses - saying God only knows, to leering little fat men. Women’s tennis is out of the question with all the grunting and lunging. The WNBA is fine. Bjork? Nope, can’t listen to it for 2 seconds. There is a fruit stand on 4th street that I’ve also learned to avoid. Full ripe melons glistening in the sun…

I’ve also become suspicious of nature. The way the sun warms me and makes me feel. The gentle fragrant breeze caressing my face. Have you ever pondered just what exactly a tree is doing to the sky?! I’ve stopped going to the bathroom too as I found the process fundamental dirty, wrong and suspiciously stimulating.

 I had to give up drawing. First it was curved lines, but now even using only straight lines… the way some of them would intersect… why it would make even Prince Rodgers Nelson blush. Peit Mondrain is a whore-monger!

I don’t know what shall become of me, but I love and respect women too much to view any aspect of them as sexually exciting or pleasurable. My sole interest in them is now 100% purely analytic. We are friends and co-workers and business associate’s, except for the ones that dress like whores. Like my Boss, Judy who insists on wearing short sleeves. She shall be cast in a lake of fire for all eternity. She’d probably like that though. She’d probably find that one great big turn on.

Wow this is better than Tom Petty.

Sexy Monkey punch out

more pictures of God

?

I’ve heard tell that my website is being blocked by the purveyors of overpriced educations and cubicle city inc.

Is this true?

The masses no longer know the delirious secrets of talking dildo’s

and exquisite cock haiku?

Can the monkeys no longer dowload porn at the zoo?

Whats a shitty poet/appliance repair man to do?

Perhaps I shall make a new book or two…

?

After he died she modified his old pitching machine to throw cans of beer into outer space…

 And this is where my editor wants me to insert an elaborate metaphor about love. I refuse because I’m not a asshole. I’m a 14 year old girl with a poster of RATT on her wall. I know what love is dumbass.

It was the best and worst of times…

Angelina Jolie was sucking my cock

but I couldn’t truly enjoy it

because the whole time I was fantasizing

about Angelina Jolie sucking my cock.

“There is no judgement, only the song of a child.” - Ronald Reagan

These were the last words of Ronald Reagan, who was a notorious 20th century, American prick. Don’t let the media fool you. That guy sucked. He was a dumb actor who lucked into the right business deal.

 I fasted with my good Christian mother on the day of the election 1984 to help Reagan win the presidency of the United States of America. It worked too, he & Bush fucking crushed Mondale and Ferraro. I was 12 at the time. I remember going to bed that evening and I was so hungry I would’ve eaten a live poisonous snake. 

Then I hit my head

before I reached the bed

and my brain was afire with dreams

I was in a clearing helping a wounded animal when I shuddered with love and flew into its mouth - I moved as the animal did and the air was actually a solid landscape of immersed color. The trees and vegetation sighed a beautiful pink swirling love - the rapsody of that song I’ve never heard sung before or there everafter. And I grew so found of the blue breathe of my death that I saw clearly for the first time what reality truly was…

 I awoke the next day and immediately became a preacher. Sure it only lasted about 6 hours but my ministry was glorious. I learned that if enough people believe something to be true… then it is. I also learned that each single human being exerts enough energy in its lifetime to power the whole of New York City for about 23 minutes, but thats another story entirely.

So I set about on my plan for saving humanity’s soul through the purity of Christ’s blood… later that evening, I and humanity had the mutual good fortune of another discovery. The discovery of masturbation and that was that. 

The song of the child was over and a new one had just begun.

Amen.

I’m working on a script for Karate Kid XIII

It’ll be the same story premise as the first Karate Kid but Mr. Miyagi will be played by Charlie Sheen. In this version Sheen will teach young Danielson how to drink tigers blood and perform simple household chores using nothing but the callused labia of a porn star. Danileson will in turn employ him new skills in day to day life only to be shunned by society as a whole. The last thirty minutes will feature Danielson shivering in a gutter and pissing himself while Oliver Stone reads passages of Spengler’s, Decline Of The West.