Hookers or Cake

Where the self-obsessed get serious about silly
I'm too wacky to be hip.

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    • ------------------------------------- How this blog got its name

      ------------------------------------ There was a large painting of Evel Knievel shaking hands with Richard Nixon. It hung in the Mayors office. Late one evening after everyone went home. I took it down to the lab. I zoomed in on Evel’s left eye a 100x and enhanced it. It was an address. I went to the address. It was a modest, 1970’s style, split level ranch home in the suburbs.

      ----------------------------------- Inside I found a dead parrot lying on a waterbed. I revived the parrot with some saltines and adrenaline. We became good friends. The parrots name was Randy. One night a few years later while Randy and me played Gin Rummy, he sang me a song about a fire. The title of this blog was never mentioned but I sensed it, and Randy confirmed it by giving me ‘THE LOOK’.

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          • October 6, 2012 1:57 am
            thedailynoose: In an effort to mobilize younger voters the Obama administration is reportedly considering legalizing Marijuana. “People are just not as excited as last time, and the more younger people that get out to vote the better it will be for us and the future of America,” said Vice President Joe Biden on a campaign stop in a Waffle House in North Carolina, late Friday night/early Saturday morning. Plans have even gone so far as to draft a legal ‘420’ tender. A currency that would be solely for drug procurement. It would be worth $80 dollars American or 4 x $20 and be able to be traded for “a quarter of pretty decent shit,” according to unnamed white house sources. The currency would feature a picture of famous cannabis advocate and everyones favorite pot head, Willie Nelson in front of an American flag and state on the back, “In Willie We Trust.” Jade Bos of Hookers or Cake for The Daily Noose

            :

            In an effort to mobilize younger voters the Obama administration is reportedly considering legalizing Marijuana. “People are just not as excited as last time, and the more younger people that get out to vote the better it will be for us and the future of America,” said Vice President Joe Biden on a campaign stop in a Waffle House in North Carolina, late Friday night/early Saturday morning.

            Plans have even gone so far as to draft a legal ‘420’ tender. A currency that would be solely for drug procurement. It would be worth $80 dollars American or 4 x $20 and be able to be traded for “a quarter of pretty decent shit,” according to unnamed white house sources. The currency would feature a picture of famous cannabis advocate and everyones favorite pot head, Willie Nelson in front of an American flag and state on the back, “In Willie We Trust.”

            Jade Bos of Hookers or Cake for

          • October 2, 2012 12:03 am

            I was certain this drawing I did of Nic Cage as a samurai would win me fame and fortune… but alas dear friends it has not. Now my only prayer is that it brings joy and peace to the cosmos.  Namaste’ bitches

          • September 27, 2012 2:17 pm

            :

            Salesman of the year - Jesse Hassler

            Please give a follow to my new blog. It will feature wonderful people.

          • September 26, 2012 1:40 pm
            thedailynoose: “Controversial ad campaigns is just what the Beef Council wants,” argues Dr. Lee Renaldo of Columbia University. A point that BEEF Council Spokesman M.W. Shirley does not argue with. “Studies have shown that high volume beef consumers (50+ lbs yearly) enjoy the carnivorous and predatory nature of eating beef and as opposed to the other meats,” states Shirley. As a result the Beef Council, under the advisement of the advertising giant King International, opted for a more primal feel to this years print campaign. And preliminary numbers show they just may have caught the bull by the horns. Beef sales are up 13 percent from last quarter. Though it should be noted the new print ads are only being tested in the fall issues of Sports Illustrated and The New Republic where the readership is predominantly older, male, and Caucasian. Jade Bos of LPP for The Daily Noose

            :

            “Controversial ad campaigns is just what the Beef Council wants,” argues Dr. Lee Renaldo of Columbia University. A point that BEEF Council Spokesman M.W. Shirley does not argue with. “Studies have shown that high volume beef consumers (50+ lbs yearly) enjoy the carnivorous and predatory nature of eating beef and as opposed to the other meats,” states Shirley.

            As a result the Beef Council, under the advisement of the advertising giant King International, opted for a more primal feel to this years print campaign. And preliminary numbers show they just may have caught the bull by the horns. Beef sales are up 13 percent from last quarter. Though it should be noted the new print ads are only being tested in the fall issues of Sports Illustrated and The New Republic where the readership is predominantly older, male, and Caucasian.

            Jade Bos of LPP for The Daily Noose

          • September 25, 2012 1:28 pm

            : Jade Bos - LP Press

            Tonight I saw grown men weeping on TV. The sanctity of our life has been shattered, our fathers and children lied to. America is in trouble people, I’m talking about the American football game. I’m serious, this is gonna be 72 pt font headline deal. ‘Respected’ grown men are going to accuse the NFL of being rotten cheating animals! Babies are going to begin to doubt the wonder of reality, and we’re all gonna slaughter each other in the streets.

            I don’t want to live in a world where the wondrous American spectacle; the best dad gum drugs, violence, and gambling spectacle there is - is openly mocked by money grubbing charlatans and fools. Sure, the Gods are indifferent to war and famine, but this time they’ve gone to far. The need to realize that if the coliseum is not honest then neither shall be the church or the bedroom, thus chaos shall rule supreme. Duality will fall out of balance and the ying will eat the yang (or is it vice versa?) Reality’s sacred veil has been torn apart and shat upon. This is the end.

            I’ve started a , because I know everyone is clamoring to know what Hookers or Cake’s views are on topical events. This little piece was in response to watching Monday Night Football where grown men almost wept and did much gnashing of teeth in response to a blown call by the replacement referees. It was hi-lar-eee-us

          • May 5, 2012 12:52 am
            todays notes At least the super computers will understand unequivocally that we are all silly little whores who just like to be punished.  Man beaten to death by a half eaten baloney sandwich. Someone just bought the color ‘red’ for $213 million dollars Her ass sang to me like a tired Mexican boy eating hush-puppies in a Long Johns Silvers. You’re just repeating things you once read in a magazine. Gods a terrible liar, drunk and forgetful, contradicting himself all the time. He cheats on simple board games… but he a make ahh de best sauce! They killed a bear and stuffed it with flowers  ridiculous colors a haughty banjo tune They took me there in dead mans clothes and in my teeth a rose nothing happened, but they say it will soon…

            todays notes

            • At least the super computers will understand unequivocally that we are all silly little whores who just like to be punished. 
            • Man beaten to death by a half eaten baloney sandwich.
            • Someone just bought the color ‘red’ for $213 million dollars
            • Her ass sang to me like a tired Mexican boy eating hush-puppies in a Long Johns Silvers.
            • You’re just repeating things you once read in a magazine.

            Gods a terrible liar, drunk and forgetful, contradicting himself all the time.

            He cheats on simple board games… but he a make ahh de best sauce!

            They killed a bear

            and stuffed it with flowers 

            ridiculous colors

            a haughty banjo tune

            They took me there

            in dead mans clothes

            and in my teeth a rose

            nothing happened, but they say it will soon…

          • March 23, 2012 3:12 pm

            Pick a headline

            A 6’3 black male shot while attacking a security patrolman, Sunday night.

            Police: 28yr old white man ‘Free to go.’ after gunning down unarmed black child.

            Which headline would you click on?

            Make no mistake. I believe what happened February 26th to be a tragedy. George Zimmerman or anyone who kills an unarmed person should be held in custody a minimum of 72 hours while a thorough police investigation is held. Hopefully something like that will be made a law in the wake of this horrific incident.

            But lets be clear, the media isn’t really interested in the truth or justice. Its interested in making money and getting ratings. They want to make you click on the headline. The more horrific, dramatic, sexy or crazy they can make that headline, the better.

            In the killing of Trayvon Martin there is a real tragic story, but the initial story and reports I read all had that picture of a cute smiling young man and the glowering mug shot of George Zimmerman. I along with everyone else was outraged. But all the initial stories I read never mentioned that young Trayvon was a 6’3 football player who was visiting his father because he was suspended from school. They just told me he was a good kid who just ran out to get some candy during the halftime of a basketball game he was watching with his little brother.

            The media told me George Zimmerman was a big white paranoid wannabe cop who was suspicious of black people and a racist. They didn’t say he was bleeding from the back of his head and face and on the ground with Trayvon Martin on top of him when the fatal gunshot was fired. Or that the person screaming for help in the 911 call was him and not Trayvon.  Who knows if any of its true, but its the ‘official’ police report.

            People aren’t usually interested in complicated stories where there is no clear good guy or bad guy. We want it clean and simple. We all know that racism still exists in all it horrific forms. We needn’t look further than the statistics.  For instance, 1 in 4 black men will be charged with a felony in their lifetime. This startling fact along with many others may let you know that America is still not the land of the free. The game is still rigged. We hear old white politicians whisper and sometimes shout about our president and we all know its mostly racism. So when some creative copy editors trim and dangle specific words in front of us we charge. Yes! Here is the proof. These racist white cops are at it again. This time there will be justice… but maybe… oh but perhaps its just the usual incompetence we all run into. An overworked under trained ineffectual government entity. Maybe there is no real villain here beyond George Martin being an idiot by packing a gun he obviously was illequipt to carry. Maybe just a tragic chain of mistakes unable to be clearly sorted out by an underfunded police force. I know this is really unsatisfying and unpopular. And when faced with unspeakable chaos we all like a little something to lean on so we can be secure in our nice and tidy reality.

            But maybe something good can come of this tragedy. Maybe we can modify Florida’s wild west gun laws and have some more oversight and thorough investigation into any homicide, especially those that involve an unarmed victim.

            I don’t really have anything to say other than that. I’d like to be able to tie it all up and leave you with a feeling either of peace or outrage, that somehow justice will be served, but the whole thing just makes my heart hurt and my head swim. This is what tragedy is I guess, painful and senseless.

          • March 2, 2012 10:11 pm
            Great White Shark and Cute Little Kitten are Best Friends Forever! The awesome sight you’re seeing here is an orphaned baby kitten who has been adopted by a shark: “It’s as close to the lion lying down with the lamb as you are likely to see - except the lamb is a little kitten and its partner is a Great White Shark. The unlikely bond between Giggles the Shark and Professor Kendricks the kitten has taken nature biologists by surprise. The six-week-old kitten was orphaned after his mother was killed in a hang-gliding accident. Vets at East Des Moines, Iowa wildlife reserve monitored the young kitten for a week, hoping he would be adopted and suckled by another cat. But that did not happen and staff from an animal hospital were forced to take him in so he did not starve to death. Here at the Dan Gable Rehabilitation Centre, in Iowa City, he was introduced to the 16 foot 2 ton man-eater, Giggles. The first meeting was not propitious. Filmmaker naturalist Darren M. King, 39, said: ‘All hell broke loose. Giggles made a lunge for the kitten and chased him around her tank.’ Professor Kendricks dashed into the safety of a shelter at the far end of the enclosure and stayed there for the first 12 hours. But Giggle’s gentle curiosity must have reassured the kitten. Mr King, who is filming the pair for a documentary, said: ‘Giggles was very curious and kept coming up and sticking his snout through the poles, touching Professor Kendricks on his fluffy tummy and having a good sniff. ’The next morning Kendricks was clearly bored and started venturing out into the main enclosure.’ He said: ‘Giggles wouldn’t leave the professor’s side and the two were seen exploring the tank together, with Giggles pectoral fin resting on the Professors back. ’Ever since that moment Giggles and Professor Kendricks have been inseparable.’  For more on the cute pair please visit Hookers or Cake.com

            Great White Shark and Cute Little Kitten are Best Friends Forever!

            The awesome sight you’re seeing here is an orphaned baby kitten who has been adopted by a shark:

            “It’s as close to the lion lying down with the lamb as you are likely to see - except the lamb is a little kitten and its partner is a Great White Shark. The unlikely bond between Giggles the Shark and Professor Kendricks the kitten has taken nature biologists by surprise. The six-week-old kitten was orphaned after his mother was killed in a hang-gliding accident. Vets at East Des Moines, Iowa wildlife reserve monitored the young kitten for a week, hoping he would be adopted and suckled by another cat. But that did not happen and staff from an animal hospital were forced to take him in so he did not starve to death.

            Here at the Dan Gable Rehabilitation Centre, in Iowa City, he was introduced to the 16 foot 2 ton man-eater, Giggles. The first meeting was not propitious. Filmmaker naturalist Darren M. King, 39, said: ‘All hell broke loose. Giggles made a lunge for the kitten and chased him around her tank.’ Professor Kendricks dashed into the safety of a shelter at the far end of the enclosure and stayed there for the first 12 hours. But Giggle’s gentle curiosity must have reassured the kitten.

            Mr King, who is filming the pair for a documentary, said: ‘Giggles was very curious and kept coming up and sticking his snout through the poles, touching Professor Kendricks on his fluffy tummy and having a good sniff. ’The next morning Kendricks was clearly bored and started venturing out into the main enclosure.’ He said: ‘Giggles wouldn’t leave the professor’s side and the two were seen exploring the tank together, with Giggles pectoral fin resting on the Professors back. ’Ever since that moment Giggles and Professor Kendricks have been inseparable.’ 

            For more on the cute pair please visit Hookers or Cake.com

          • February 12, 2012 12:48 am
            Just a friendly reminder that war, pestilence, and world hunger will be postponed over the next several days while CNN tries to wring every last nickel out of a dead pop star.  Remember when Michael Jackson’s death put an end to the bloody uprising in Iran?

            Just a friendly reminder that war, pestilence, and world hunger will be postponed over the next several days while CNN tries to wring every last nickel out of a dead pop star. 

            Remember when Michael Jackson’s death put an end to the bloody uprising in Iran?

          • February 1, 2012 12:58 pm
            The #2 Nominate Awards! Celebrating the people who nominate the people. Darcy! - This tenacious young lady got her friend Adams blog nominated for an award even though Adam only occasionally posts cryptic notes about his roommate and cat pictures. Darcy thought Adam was a little down after his latest break up and that being nominated could totally turn things around for her BFF. Frank - got Sloan’s blog nominated for a prestigious award even though her blog is exactly the same as 3.2 million other 20 yr old girls. The occasional racy GPOY, fashion posts, and sometimes a late nite bitch session about her bf Tyler (who Frank hates) Even though Sloan has blocked Frank, age 38, Frank will make her famous and win her affection and no longer be relegated to creepy anonymous asks. Joseph - Joseph isn’t a real person but an alias for Mike, an aspiring writer. Joseph was able to nominate Mike, IE. himself, without seeming like a total crazed needy narcissist. Luckily for Mike/Joesph is that he’s young, sorta good looking, and all the young girls love his smoldering over-serious writer persona. He can’t write for shit, but luckily no one reads writing on the internet. Sloan - She used to sell her boyfriends demo tapes in front of the VFW at all age shows. (and everywhere else) She is now on the internet and sells crafts on Etsy. She helped her latest boyfriend, Tyler, get into an internet indie film festival and nominated for best foreign whispercore vignette. Any other nominations?

            The #2 Nominate Awards! Celebrating the people who nominate the people.

            Darcy! - This tenacious young lady got her friend Adams blog nominated for an award even though Adam only occasionally posts cryptic notes about his roommate and cat pictures. Darcy thought Adam was a little down after his latest break up and that being nominated could totally turn things around for her BFF.

            Frank - got Sloan’s blog nominated for a prestigious award even though her blog is exactly the same as 3.2 million other 20 yr old girls. The occasional racy GPOY, fashion posts, and sometimes a late nite bitch session about her bf Tyler (who Frank hates) Even though Sloan has blocked Frank, age 38, Frank will make her famous and win her affection and no longer be relegated to creepy anonymous asks.

            Joseph - Joseph isn’t a real person but an alias for Mike, an aspiring writer. Joseph was able to nominate Mike, IE. himself, without seeming like a total crazed needy narcissist. Luckily for Mike/Joesph is that he’s young, sorta good looking, and all the young girls love his smoldering over-serious writer persona. He can’t write for shit, but luckily no one reads writing on the internet.

            Sloan - She used to sell her boyfriends demo tapes in front of the VFW at all age shows. (and everywhere else) She is now on the internet and sells crafts on Etsy. She helped her latest boyfriend, Tyler, get into an internet indie film festival and nominated for best foreign whispercore vignette.

            Any other nominations?