Hookers or Cake

The outrage surrounding Joe Paterno (and how his firing implicates us all)

He is called Joe Pa and he is the father of Penn State Football. In many ways he’s the face of modern college football, where the head coach is the most powerful and highest paid employee in the entire state. Joe Pa has made millions of dollars being the gruff and lovable ball coach. Probablly made billions for his university and friends. By most reports he is a good man and unarguably a great coach. But its his inaction, in the Jerry Sandusky child molestation case, which he’ll be most remebered for. Frightening to think that Joe Pa’s only real crime is one in which we’re all complicit. 

The old ball coach reportedly addressed his staff and team for the last time on Thursday after his unceremonious firing. He broke down and cried as he stood at the podium for the last time. Penn State Quarterback, Stephon Morris, was asked what Paterno’s main message had been, Morris said: “Beat Nebraska.”

“Beat Nebraska.” Its the only thing Jo Pa has known for the last 46 years as Penn States head football coach.

Hey Joe, little boys are being raped in the shower by your longtime assistant, who incidentally runs a charity for underprivelaged little boys.

“Beat Nebraska.”

Hey Joe, 46 Penn State football players faced 163 criminal charges in the last six years.

“Beat Nebraska.”

Hey Joe, Every two minutes someone in America is being sexually assulted.

“Beat Nebraska.”

Hey Joe almost 50 million Americans live in abject poverty.

“Beat Nebraska.”

Hey Joe, one person dies of starvation every second even though we produce more than enough food to feed the entire world twice over.

“Beat Nebraska.”

Funnily enough when this whole tragedy blew up this past week and people were calling for Joe Paterno to step down, he refused and actually tried to dictate to Penn States board of trusties how they should handle his situation.

“At this moment the Board of Trustees should not spend a single minute discussing my status. They have far more important matters to address. I want to make this as easy for them as I possibly can. This is a tragedy. It is one of the great sorrows of my life. With the benefit of hindsight, I wish I had done more.

My goals now are to keep my commitments to my players and staff and finish the season with dignity and determination. And then I will spend the rest of my life doing everything I can to help this University.”

In other-words, “Beat Nebraska.”

Face it. There have always been monsters like Jerry Sandusky, the child rapist, and sadly there probably always will be. But maybe it’s us, who can evolve and ask more of our leaders and ourselves than just WINNING! Maybe we can do the messy difficult and right thing because human beings are suffering. Maybe our job can be larger than just, “Beat Nebraska.” maybe we can be truly brave and courageous and realize that, turning a blind eye to any human being in need is just as despicable an act as the horrors committed by Jerry Sandusky.

Yeah, now that I think about it, you’re right. “Lets Go Nebraska!” 

I’ll never forget that day. I’d been deep in the jungles of the Amazon for two weeks on business. When I flew back into the states I cleared customs and was walking to the baggage carousel. I remember whistling a jaunty tune as I was happy to be home, but  people just stopped and stared at me. I finally ducked into the bathroom to make sure I wasn’t wearing a flaming clown wig or covered head to toe in blood. Nope. I was still the same boring, middle-aged white guy. As I washed my hands an elderly black gentleman quietly touched my shoulder, “I’m sooo sorry for your loss,” he said. I looked around, “My loss?” I repeated. He looked a little taken aback “Oh, You… you don’t know?” “Know what?” I said. He looked away, his eyes searching the floor and then he walked out without a word. I looked around, meeting the gaze of a Middle eastern man, who quickly averted his eyes. I dried my hands and walked out of the bathroom. I saw a group of young professionals in suits huddled together in a corner around a TV… they were openly weeping. 

I slowly walked over afraid of what I might see on the TV, had another pretty young blond girl gone missing? Was a white baby in trouble?  No, it was far worse. Wolf Blitzer looked like he hadn’t slept in days. Thats when I heard the news, Lil Squeaker, a stuffed duck/dog toy was missing. Its owner was the cutest 3 year old pug I’d even seen. The pugs name was Mr. Puddles, awwww! Mr. Puddles had reported Lil Squeaker missing two whole days ago but it had in fact been missing at that point for a total of five days! I just stood there in a fog of terror and disbelief. 

The next week passed in a blur. I remember the day they called off the war so that both sides could join in the search and rescue operation. And then the unthinkable happened. The United Coalition forces found… I’m sorry… its still so hard to believe, but they found Lil Squeaker buried under the back porch of Mr. Puddles home.  An autopsy was performed but before the results could be released the finger pointing started in the upper ranks of the Coalition forces and the war resumed, raging on even bloodier and more deadly than before. The death toll rose into the tens of thousands.

To this day no one knows what happened to Lil Squeaker, but perhaps when this terrible war ends we will all find out. Until then there will be an empty spot in our hearts and one lonely little pug searching for answers. Searching for answers and missing a friend.

A lie requires two people. One to tell it and one to believe it. Or as often is the case, many to believe it. Two basic entities. The speaker and the audience. The easiest thing in the world is a lie. And the easiest lie to tell is one that absolves the audience of any and all responsibility. 

So sit there and tell yourself that you are a good person and you deserve a good life. God is on your side. And the liars will agree with you and they will help you. They will help you, help them, take away your money, life, love, health, and humanity. 

Please stand with your fellow Americans and OCCUPY! Take back America!

OCCUPY YOURSELF! OCCUPY YOUR LIFE! OCCUPY WALL STREET! OCCUPY AMERICA!!!

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I am offering up this free copy I wrote, as long as you attribute it to Bill O’Reilly, Glen Beck, Rush Limbaugh, or other appropriate right wing crank.

I am offering it in the hopes that the right wing media will pick it up and run with it as it is sound propaganda. The fear is that Occupy Wall Steet is being pegged more and more some left wing, socialist horse shit and not a real movement by the people and for the people, to help expose the corrupt and unconstitutional marriage of money and OUR government. 

Thank you and Mahalo,

The Ghost of Hunter S. Thompson

Famine needs a new meme. It can’t compete with Charlie Sheen.