I suffered from horrible anxiety as a child, I was afraid much of the time. I was ok as long as I was playing or drawing or reading stories but as life went on I found out you couldn’t always be doing that. And the fear would come.
I had a homework assignment in first grade that I didn’t do. I felt so trapped and scared… It sounds insane but I remember taking a freshly sharped #2 pencil and stabbing it up into my nostril and then doing the other side too. With both nostrils bleeding I got up and went to the teacher’s desk she took one look at me and pointed at the door. “Go to the bathroom, I’ll send the nurse.” So I walked down to the bathroom and stared at myself in the mirror. Blood was running down my lips and dripping off my chin. I stared until I felt an unusual warmth slowly blooming inside of me. It was like I was slomotion exploding of intense happiness. I closed my eyes and saw an old hooded man with a beard holding a blue glowing sword, It was Obi One Kenobi just as I’d seen him a year earlier in Star Wars. The nurse came and cleaned me up and let me lay on a cot in a dark room.
After that incident I found that whenever I faced anxiety or fear I could just close my eyes for a moment until I felt the warm buzzing blue inside of me. I’d see the eyes of the old man just before he lifted his sword and allowed himself to be killed. I’d open my eyes and let the fear slaughter me. It felt like bliss.
