Hookers or Cake

Hey, its my 3 year tumblr anniversary! Here’s an old classic. A honest to goodness Choose Your Own Adventure I wrote for Tumblr. Thanks for all the follows, likes, reblorgs, love, and sassparila. Its been fun. - Jade

You are the cocaine fueled lead singer of the now defunct band “Shy Glove”. It has been 6 years since your last hit single, “Mustache Fuss” and it has been a sharp jagged fall from the top. Your latest solo record “Mumbletop Mountain” opened on Billboards top 200 at #114, only to fall off the face of the earth and to never be heard from again. Your big tour was immediately cancelled and the only gigs you can get now are opening for Creed at state & county fairs across the mid-west.

You owe money to many powerful and evil people all over the world; Drug dealers, bookies, ex-spouses, club managers, gangsters, & even a dictator of some eastern block country, whose kids birthday party you failed to show up at. It is becoming obvious, that your only hope of even staying alive at this point is by getting the band back together for a new album and a reunion tour. The only problem with this plan is your old lead guitarist, Frank, has gone missing.

Linda, Franks wife, says that Frank started acting erratically in the past few months. He grew a mustache and started disappearing for days and then weeks at a time. Linda says she hasn’t seen Frank in weeks but he appears at the house from time to time. She needs your help. She also says that Frank has a coke dealer in El Segundo who is looking for him. She is worried that it might already be to late and that Frank could be gone forever.

Do you in Santa Monica to see Linda

or

Do you go over to

:

in one sitting. And I don’t read ANYTHING, let alone in one sitting. That being said, this is one of the most next level books I’ve read in a while. It’s crazy. It’s full of vivid opposing imagery. It has multiple references to the fanciest restaurant in my hometown, Applebee’s. It compares the smell of dumping a bottle of English Leather on you and downing a flask of 12 year old whiskey to being “strangled by James Garner.” 

I read a lot of garbage with my work for Nan Bu Nan. This book makes you pay attention. It is clever, but not in a way your english professor would condone. I don’t know the writer personally, but now I want to.

Awww thanks for the kind words! Makes me happier than a robotic monkey throwing shit at the pope.

Pretty cool. Though I am having second thoughts on my 1 star review promotion, that was where I encouraged people to give me a 1 star reviews on Amazon.  It did get me 250,000 page views on stumbleupon and got me on Ellen.com which in turn paid for my airplane glue habit… so, que sera sera.

Now I’m until Thursday at midnight.

*****ATTENTION!!!******WHORING AND SELF PROMOTION ***** DEAD AHEAD! *****DANGER!***** LOOK OUT! *****

The new black t-shirts are so black that they are the absence of light and the full spectrum of color. They are the Aplha and Omega. The ying and the yang. A banana daquari and a great white shark. They cost $18 shipped to your door. If you want to ad a and set (12) of single author postcards that’ll set ya back $23 american. I gotsa pay/pal button on my blog.

Canada & International ad $7 because, unlike myself, the post don’t run on butterfly kisses and mescaline.

Thank you for your time and support.

The back cover of Hookers or Cake II is full of awesome humans who were kind enough to give some blurbs. Give em a follow on tumblr.

Mike Lacher AKA creator of memes and the book On The Bro’d, a word for word translation of Jack Kerouac’s classic, On The Road into Bro speak. Due out this spring in book format.

- NYC Village Voice Music Editor, NYU teacher, blogging pioneer, and unfortunately a Mets fan.

- Is the editor and chief of The NY Observer, Scooter magazine, and done a bunch of really cool stuff. Seriously go to his if you want to feel like the lazy slacker you are.

- Inspired me and pretty much everyone else with her and Meagan O’Connell’s book, Coming and Crying. Melissa recently did another awesome project Take This Book, about the peoples library at Occupy Wall-Street.

- Everybody knows Ned…

- Mike has a knack for creating giant internet scandals and writes politics for the Cagle Post. He also has a fine book of poetry,

And thanks again to my editor, the hilarious Josh Allen aka

Of course the book itself is for sale on

Hey wonderful humans! My new book goes on sale on Amazon in a few minutes.

Amazon says that it won’t ship for 2 - 4 weeks but this is a lie. It actually drop ships within 24hrs from one of 12 locations across the country and is even available in the and Australia! Of course you can always get free shipping if your order is $25 and it totally qualifies for their 4 books for the price of 3 thingy.

I worked all year on this little bitch! Its filled with 30+ illustrations for the kids! 116 pages and looks, feels, and smells just like a real book. Ands its only $8.95 and £5 in the UK.

If you received an advance copy you can always give it a scandalous review.

Ok, enough whoring… Happy New Year!

It’s a Christmas Miracle!

:

I opened my mail to find Hookers or Cake Vol. II and all of these goodies (although my favorite may be the vampire teeth sealed with a My Pretty Pony sticker—Jade, you’re a sick fuck).

If you aren’t reading Jade Bos, you’re a total loser.  Seriously, check it out here and by as many copies as you can.  These books are awesome for completely freaking out your friends and family.  

Ahhh thanks Scott! I’ve just received your book, And I can’t wait to read it to all the neighborhood kids! I’m sure it will be quite an education.

Oh hey tumblrs and or despot criminals. My lastest volume of Hookers or Cake will only be available for preorder for another 69 hours. So if you would like a copy and all the goodies that come with it, well then just saunter yer sweet lil patoot on over to kickstarter.com

For as little as $10 you can have a shiny, fully illustrated, perfect bound book that I wrote. And friends… if you act right now and I’ll ship it to ya for free! Thats right, free.

But wait there’s more! Not only do you get the book and the fruits of the United States post services labor, but you will also receive, One free set of plastic vampire teeth! Just like the kind you see in the movies and on TV! 

So you get it all! One shiny new book replete with pictures and stories delivered to the address of your choice. One set of plastic vampire teeth, but if you act right now I’ll even throw in some postcards of some dirty pictures I drew. Hell, I might even slip in some coupons to that roadside meat carnival just south of town. It probably depends how much ether I can handle before I pass out.

OK good. Go and buy! The book is good - I wrote it, drew pictures, and had Josh Allen edit the sumabitch for ya. Then my sweet, wonderful wife laid all them words out on her magic computer. Then we set it all off to Tennessee where the good folks at Ingram turn it into a real purdy professional quality book. 

Technology is AMAZING!

So $10 for the autographed book, vampire teeth, assorted post cards, and all shipping is included.

Thanks and love - Jade Bos - VP of Lewd Pony Press

My book, Hookers or Cake sold 50-100 copies on Amazon over the weekend. After selling 3 whole copies over the last couple of months this is a strange and exciting development.

I have no idea how or why. It must have gotten mentioned somewhere by someone. Or perhaps my horribly ill conceived 1 STAR review promotion finally paid off?

In other news, did anyone know that if you take your dog along to that cute little beach side hotel for a nice little anniversary weekend with your wife, that your dog will drink sea water and get explosive diarrhea? Well its true.

  On the way to our hotel we stopped at a dog beach and let our 2 yr old lab, Lulu play around in the surf. After 30 minutes we dried her off and threw her in the back seat and headed for the hotel. Right as I got the car up to speed our cute little Lulu started having explosive diarrhea and she didn’t know what was happening, as she’d never had explosive diarrhea before, so in her attempt to turn around and get a good look at just what was going on with her back side she ended up turning around and around in fast circles becoming a kind of explosive shit sprinkler. This then made my wife projectile vomit all over the windshield and caused me to retch so violently that I lurched our car right into the path of a semi truck. We exploded on impact.

The shit, vomit, blood, flesh, and fire filled car then hurtled through an Arby’s restaurant, creating for a brief instant a sandwich which was mind boggling.

In fact God was so taken with the sandwich that he’ll be offering it for the rest of the summer. This is a limited time offer so act now! And might I suggest it with the horsey sauce. (Those poor horses…)

-Jade

P.S. Anyone know why or how my book is suddenly selling so well, 11 months after it came out?

I seem to be explaining myself a lot lately so sure why not?

I like to use the passing celebrity culture in my writing to act as a kind of reference point because we all know it. It transcends cultures or I assume it does if your on the internet. Sure I could use the Mulamadhyamakakarika-ding-dong or some fancy reference but I’ve found that in using absurdity and pop references, people are more susceptible to the larger unconscious idea. In other-words my writing may not initially be understand but like a recipe it hopefully informs ones unconsciousness or dreams (ingredients) to make delicious snacks in the fire of waking consciousness.

Besides Katy Perry has a nice rack and a lot of people hate her. She exists in our shared psyche as a symbol. Not a concrete symbol but one open to many interpretations both of ugliness and of beauty. I like to have fun with this state.  So I use her as a vehicle to point to that which is beyond symbols. An unknown known pointing towards the ultimate unknown. If its successful the vehicle itself becomes unstable through teasing out its inherent contradictory nature. And if it works, transparency and the void is thusly seen. 

This Katy Perry piece didn’t really work for me btw - but hey ya can’t be afraid to fail… and who knows perhaps later it’ll turn into delicious cookies for someone.

In short I’m trying use pop culture and absurd humor to transcend rational thought and point to a deeper reality that cannot be spoken of. Of course I’m not conscious of this when I write it all out, its just a byproduct from meditating for 12 years on old Family Circus cartoons.

The simplest explanation for my writing is… I’m making cookies for god.

And by god I mean the eternal, blameless, devouring whore that is the entirety of all consciousness. And even if you dont’ care about all of that… hey free cookies.

I hope that clears things up! =)