Hookers or Cake

Where the self-obsessed get serious about silly
I'm too wacky to be hip.

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    • ------------------------------------- How this blog got its name

      ------------------------------------ There was a large painting of Evel Knievel shaking hands with Richard Nixon. It hung in the Mayors office. Late one evening after everyone went home. I took it down to the lab. I zoomed in on Evel’s left eye a 100x and enhanced it. It was an address. I went to the address. It was a modest, 1970’s style, split level ranch home in the suburbs.

      ----------------------------------- Inside I found a dead parrot lying on a waterbed. I revived the parrot with some saltines and adrenaline. We became good friends. The parrots name was Randy. One night a few years later while Randy and me played Gin Rummy, he sang me a song about a fire. The title of this blog was never mentioned but I sensed it, and Randy confirmed it by giving me ‘THE LOOK’.

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          • October 9, 2012 2:22 pm
            Writing tips from a shitty writer. NON WRITING PROMPTS - Please stop writing about… Crumbling love affairs between 20 yr old morons. Haikus: You’re not fooling anyone with your “retranslation” of Buson and Issa Your boring lonely life: Jazz it up Fuckface, we know you’re alone. You’re writing on the internet. We’re alone too and reading prose on the internet, duh. Your ex: Again stop!  (I’m totally getting why they left.) Writing tips: Unless you make a GOOD living off your writing you’re just being an asshole. (dammit) Eroticism: If not aroused, sex can just be kinda awkward and a bit gross. Erotic prose is often kinda awkward and wildly hilarious. And like sex, if you gotta ask if its good, it isn’t. Love - Truly I mean it, stop. How awesome and beautiful and wonderful the women, men, children, animals, life, trees, flowers, nature, outer space, god, snacks, drugs…. My dear, we hold these truths to be self evident. Its cute when a two yr old has chocolate for the first time, but its kinda sad and creepy when a 30 something year old won’t shut up about how much they love, love. We get it. You’re high or having a manic episode… or worse is that you’re a manipulative creep who writes nothing but fake love letters. As in; My Dear, You are the beautiful answer to my eternal question. Love Tyler - translation Dear fish in bucket, BANG! Love, Tyler Its where the writer discovers that a certain demographic finds them attractive and then caters everything they write to them. Its almost as bad as the half naked person posting pics and droning on about how bored, happy, sad, mad, awesome they are. News Flash! You’re a desperately gorgeous idiot/shallow ass clown who needs attention. I was happy. I was sad. We went out for tacos. Yum! You don’t get hundreds of notes for your startling dissertation. You get it because you’re cute. Really most of this stuff just falls under journaling. And I guess I’m tired of reading peoples journals. Not because I’m disinterested in them but moreso this style of writing is boring, painfully cringeworthy, and has zero perspective. As humans we have a remarkable capacity for self deception. We are always the last ones to see the obvious, that we suck. =) So its like watching a bad sit-com where the main character continually embarrasses themselves with petty childish lies. Only no ones laughing, least of all the author and thats painful. So don’t write publicly about yourself, project your shallow lies upon your family and friends or fake robot gods like I do. Make them wildly flawed assholes and you may in time grow to love them. If you do insist on journaling (it can be wonderfully helpful and revealing) they make wonderful .89 cent notebooks for just such investigations. I suggest that you fill up at least a dozen and after a couple of years drag em all out and sit down with a bottle of wine in front of a roaring fire. Then you can read all about yourself to yourself and have a good laugh/cry while you throw the pages into the fire. Its freeing and in the end you might gain some perspective. Perspective that may be useful for writing about fake robot gods you love.

            Writing tips from a shitty writer.

            NON WRITING PROMPTS - Please stop writing about…

            Crumbling love affairs between 20 yr old morons.

            Haikus: You’re not fooling anyone with your “retranslation” of Buson and Issa

            Your boring lonely life: Jazz it up Fuckface, we know you’re alone. You’re writing on the internet. We’re alone too and reading prose on the internet, duh.

            Your ex: Again stop!  (I’m totally getting why they left.)

            Writing tips: Unless you make a GOOD living off your writing you’re just being an asshole. (dammit)

            Eroticism: If not aroused, sex can just be kinda awkward and a bit gross. Erotic prose is often kinda awkward and wildly hilarious. And like sex, if you gotta ask if its good, it isn’t.

            Love - Truly I mean it, stop.

            How awesome and beautiful and wonderful the women, men, children, animals, life, trees, flowers, nature, outer space, god, snacks, drugs…. My dear, we hold these truths to be self evident. Its cute when a two yr old has chocolate for the first time, but its kinda sad and creepy when a 30 something year old won’t shut up about how much they love, love. We get it. You’re high or having a manic episode…

            or worse is that you’re a manipulative creep who writes nothing but fake love letters. As in; My Dear, You are the beautiful answer to my eternal question. Love Tyler - translation

            Dear fish in bucket,

            BANG!

            Love, Tyler

            Its where the writer discovers that a certain demographic finds them attractive and then caters everything they write to them. Its almost as bad as the half naked person posting pics and droning on about how bored, happy, sad, mad, awesome they are. News Flash! You’re a desperately gorgeous idiot/shallow ass clown who needs attention. I was happy. I was sad. We went out for tacos. Yum! You don’t get hundreds of notes for your startling dissertation. You get it because you’re cute.

            Really most of this stuff just falls under journaling. And I guess I’m tired of reading peoples journals. Not because I’m disinterested in them but moreso this style of writing is boring, painfully cringeworthy, and has zero perspective. As humans we have a remarkable capacity for self deception. We are always the last ones to see the obvious, that we suck. =) So its like watching a bad sit-com where the main character continually embarrasses themselves with petty childish lies. Only no ones laughing, least of all the author and thats painful. So don’t write publicly about yourself, project your shallow lies upon your family and friends or fake robot gods like I do. Make them wildly flawed assholes and you may in time grow to love them.

            If you do insist on journaling (it can be wonderfully helpful and revealing) they make wonderful .89 cent notebooks for just such investigations. I suggest that you fill up at least a dozen and after a couple of years drag em all out and sit down with a bottle of wine in front of a roaring fire. Then you can read all about yourself to yourself and have a good laugh/cry while you throw the pages into the fire. Its freeing and in the end you might gain some perspective. Perspective that may be useful for writing about fake robot gods you love.

          • October 1, 2012 2:12 am
             Writing tips from a shitty writer: Do not write fiction on LSD. example: …this one girl who had a fake god, that dated a robot, who knew a guy, who wrote stories about this one girl who had a fake god, that dated a robot, who knew a guy, who wrote stories about this one girl, who had a fake god, that dated a robot, who knew a guy, who wrote stories about…  shit, I’m everything again, said the author. See? A plotless, all seeing eye of the cosmos that becomes everything and then you just float around saying insane shit about joy and pudding. No one is gonna buy that. Sure the stoners will love it, but guess what people? Stoners don’t buy a lot of books. You need cocaine if your going to be a success. You also need to be alone while on that cocaine and preferably trapped in a life that is running out of options as fast as its taking on soul crushing debt. A dead end with a giant monster staring you in the face. This plus cocaine is great foundation for a young adult novel about finding true love and acceptance. Don’t make it weird. Most readers just want to be entertained and reassured. Just get to the part where everything makes sense sexually, emotionally, or intellectually and the readers sociological & physiological programming will resonate within the heart, mind, or body giving feelings of security.  If you can touch on all three it’ll sell like hotcakes. Of course none of it really means anything, afterall we’re all just a fake god giving oral pleasure to a robot.

             Writing tips from a shitty writer: Do not write fiction on LSD.

            example:

            …this one girl who had a fake god, that dated a robot, who knew a guy, who wrote stories about this one girl who had a fake god, that dated a robot, who knew a guy, who wrote stories about this one girl, who had a fake god, that dated a robot, who knew a guy, who wrote stories about…  shit, I’m everything again, said the author.

            See? A plotless, all seeing eye of the cosmos that becomes everything and then you just float around saying insane shit about joy and pudding. No one is gonna buy that. Sure the stoners will love it, but guess what people? Stoners don’t buy a lot of books.

            You need cocaine if your going to be a success. You also need to be alone while on that cocaine and preferably trapped in a life that is running out of options as fast as its taking on soul crushing debt. A dead end with a giant monster staring you in the face. This plus cocaine is great foundation for a young adult novel about finding true love and acceptance. Don’t make it weird. Most readers just want to be entertained and reassured. Just get to the part where everything makes sense sexually, emotionally, or intellectually and the readers sociological & physiological programming will resonate within the heart, mind, or body giving feelings of security.  If you can touch on all three it’ll sell like hotcakes. Of course none of it really means anything, afterall we’re all just a fake god giving oral pleasure to a robot.

          • January 4, 2012 10:03 pm
            Pro Writing Tip #532: Ditch the metaphor. If you have to compare whatever it is that you’re writing about to something more grand, then you’re probably writing boring sentimental tripe. Compare the following two sentences. He crossed the road like a stubborn old war horse, his rage and pride pulling him along in spite of his wounds. He crossed the road like a stupid fucking old man crossing a road. Sentence number two, right? Its so much better! Its like a dumb stoner trying to write something funny, but he can’t figure it out so he just ends it.

            Pro Writing Tip #532: Ditch the metaphor. If you have to compare whatever it is that you’re writing about to something more grand, then you’re probably writing boring sentimental tripe.

            Compare the following two sentences.

            • He crossed the road like a stubborn old war horse, his rage and pride pulling him along in spite of his wounds.
            • He crossed the road like a stupid fucking old man crossing a road.

            Sentence number two, right? Its so much better! Its like a dumb stoner trying to write something funny, but he can’t figure it out so he just ends it.