Hookers or Cake

Where the self-obsessed get serious about silly
I'm too wacky to be hip.

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      ------------------------------------ There was a large painting of Evel Knievel shaking hands with Richard Nixon. It hung in the Mayors office. Late one evening after everyone went home. I took it down to the lab. I zoomed in on Evel’s left eye a 100x and enhanced it. It was an address. I went to the address. It was a modest, 1970’s style, split level ranch home in the suburbs.

      ----------------------------------- Inside I found a dead parrot lying on a waterbed. I revived the parrot with some saltines and adrenaline. We became good friends. The parrots name was Randy. One night a few years later while Randy and me played Gin Rummy, he sang me a song about a fire. The title of this blog was never mentioned but I sensed it, and Randy confirmed it by giving me ‘THE LOOK’.

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          • October 1, 2012 2:12 am
             Writing tips from a shitty writer: Do not write fiction on LSD. example: …this one girl who had a fake god, that dated a robot, who knew a guy, who wrote stories about this one girl who had a fake god, that dated a robot, who knew a guy, who wrote stories about this one girl, who had a fake god, that dated a robot, who knew a guy, who wrote stories about…  shit, I’m everything again, said the author. See? A plotless, all seeing eye of the cosmos that becomes everything and then you just float around saying insane shit about joy and pudding. No one is gonna buy that. Sure the stoners will love it, but guess what people? Stoners don’t buy a lot of books. You need cocaine if your going to be a success. You also need to be alone while on that cocaine and preferably trapped in a life that is running out of options as fast as its taking on soul crushing debt. A dead end with a giant monster staring you in the face. This plus cocaine is great foundation for a young adult novel about finding true love and acceptance. Don’t make it weird. Most readers just want to be entertained and reassured. Just get to the part where everything makes sense sexually, emotionally, or intellectually and the readers sociological & physiological programming will resonate within the heart, mind, or body giving feelings of security.  If you can touch on all three it’ll sell like hotcakes. Of course none of it really means anything, afterall we’re all just a fake god giving oral pleasure to a robot.

             Writing tips from a shitty writer: Do not write fiction on LSD.

            example:

            …this one girl who had a fake god, that dated a robot, who knew a guy, who wrote stories about this one girl who had a fake god, that dated a robot, who knew a guy, who wrote stories about this one girl, who had a fake god, that dated a robot, who knew a guy, who wrote stories about…  shit, I’m everything again, said the author.

            See? A plotless, all seeing eye of the cosmos that becomes everything and then you just float around saying insane shit about joy and pudding. No one is gonna buy that. Sure the stoners will love it, but guess what people? Stoners don’t buy a lot of books.

            You need cocaine if your going to be a success. You also need to be alone while on that cocaine and preferably trapped in a life that is running out of options as fast as its taking on soul crushing debt. A dead end with a giant monster staring you in the face. This plus cocaine is great foundation for a young adult novel about finding true love and acceptance. Don’t make it weird. Most readers just want to be entertained and reassured. Just get to the part where everything makes sense sexually, emotionally, or intellectually and the readers sociological & physiological programming will resonate within the heart, mind, or body giving feelings of security.  If you can touch on all three it’ll sell like hotcakes. Of course none of it really means anything, afterall we’re all just a fake god giving oral pleasure to a robot.

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            7. said: You nailed it again. Stop making me envy you! Great stuff.
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