Hookers or Cake

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In an effort to mobilize younger voters the Obama administration is reportedly considering legalizing Marijuana. “People are just not as excited as last time, and the more younger people that get out to vote the better it will be for us and the future of America,” said Vice President Joe Biden on a campaign stop in a Waffle House in North Carolina, late Friday night/early Saturday morning.

Plans have even gone so far as to draft a legal ‘420’ tender. A currency that would be solely for drug procurement. It would be worth $80 dollars American or 4 x $20 and be able to be traded for “a quarter of pretty decent shit,” according to unnamed white house sources. The currency would feature a picture of famous cannabis advocate and everyones favorite pot head, Willie Nelson in front of an American flag and state on the back, “In Willie We Trust.”

Jade Bos of Hookers or Cake for

Sometimes it hard to keep track of whatever mentally unstable, religious nut, the Republicans are in favor of. Newt Gingrich is the flavor this week. Hope you like Vintage Vanilla, Fat and Mad Delights.

An easy to remember mnemonic.  Gin + Grinch

Actually its spelled Gingrich. Which is Gin + G + Rich but seeing as how I spent 5 minutes photoshopping together the above picture… before looking up the actual spelling… awww I’m too lazy to change it. (Note, I will stand in line for 4 hours to vote for Obama again, I aint that lazy.)

And really who gives a shit. Sure you’ll have to know how to spell Gingrich if you’re on Jeopardy 20 years from now and the answer is “Lost a presidential election by a record margin.”

Its also kinda funny to watch rich, white dudes, try to ‘out crazy’ one another. For the next debate they should just have the moderator hypnotise the candidates into believing they are roosters. They can all crow and strut around on stage til their hearts content. And we can all makes side bets on who drops trou first.

“Hey, have you ever gotten so high that you opened a whole ton of tabs on your computer and then you forgot you were a sentient being that lives in time and space? Dude, that happens to me, uh… I mean, John Adams all the time.” - Thomas Jefferson

Just look at his picture, TJ was totally baked 24/7. And he was a pretty sweet bro, aside from being a slave owning rapist… and a baby killer. Seriously, this one time, Jefferson like totally killed my baby.

I’ve been hired by Bill Simmons to be his editor. No, not the ESPN Bill Simmons who writes 10,000+ word ramblers on how the current NBA is just like Rocky IV. And while that Bill Simmons has needed an editor for years, he’s probably beyond help.*  

* like many men he’s successful solely for being lucky and mildly creative once in his 20’s - so now he’s a genius who answers to no one.

The Bill Simmons I’m working for is just some old rich guy who rakes in cash as a pharmacy rep and is addicted to social networking amoung other things. I get paid to transcribe and edit lengthy blog posts from his drunken, garbled voice recordings. They’re mostly 3 way fantasies that involve Michele Bachmann, Sarah Palin and himself. They usually devolve into him transferring his soul essence into Palin via his semen and her growing a massive cock that he/she then rip Michele Bachmann in half with. The hardest part of the job is deciphering the tape as Bill is not only drunk, but always masturbating.  

I do think there is a strong future in this kinda work. What rich asshole wouldn’t want to have their own media advisor and editor? Every politician has one or several if they’re famous. A clever humorist to write snarky twitter posts when someone dies or someone to write bullet points on how dumb, poor people are. Basic graphic design skills are also helpful to photoshop American flags into the background of every picture they’re in.

Lets face it its a tough economy  and I’m a shitty writer, but if you can photoshop Sarah Palin’s head on a naked body… there are a lot of 50 yr-old dudes who will give you whatever you want.