Hookers or Cake

Where the self-obsessed get serious about silly
I'm too wacky to be hip.

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      • ------------------------------------- How this blog got its name

      ------------------------------------ There was a large painting of Evel Knievel shaking hands with Richard Nixon. It hung in the Mayors office. Late one evening after everyone went home. I took it down to the lab. I zoomed in on Evel’s left eye a 100x and enhanced it. It was an address. I went to the address. It was a modest, 1970’s style, split level ranch home in the suburbs.

      ----------------------------------- Inside I found a dead parrot lying on a waterbed. I revived the parrot with some saltines and adrenaline. We became good friends. The parrots name was Randy. One night a few years later while Randy and me played Gin Rummy, he sang me a song about a fire. The title of this blog was never mentioned but I sensed it, and Randy confirmed it by giving me ‘THE LOOK’.

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          tell me lies! Submit stuff
          • February 14, 2010 5:12 pm
            My Dearest Sugar Muffin, I had the bestest Valentines Day ever mapped out. First I was planning to go down to the Ace hardware store, get possessed by the devil and eat a dozen red roses. Then I was going to make your favorite goulash and serenade you with Black Sabbath’s Sabra Cadabra in 6 different octaves… my ass singing the lowest 2 registers whilst showering you with rose petals… but of course I got buried in paperwork, stress and all sorts of dumb bullshit down at the office. Next year I promise I will throw Cleveland or maybe Cincinnati into the sun for you. Until then please except this note and this 15% off coupon at participating Red Lobsters as a small token of my undying love for you. You are awesome! I look forward to making tea for you, during the next century while we watch western civilization collapse into a shit pile run by fashion conscious wiener dogs. Love, yer old monkey Beelzubub

            My Dearest Sugar Muffin,

            I had the bestest Valentines Day ever mapped out. First I was planning to go down to the Ace hardware store, get possessed by the devil and eat a dozen red roses. Then I was going to make your favorite goulash and serenade you with Black Sabbath’s Sabra Cadabra in 6 different octaves… my ass singing the lowest 2 registers whilst showering you with rose petals… but of course I got buried in paperwork, stress and all sorts of dumb bullshit down at the office. Next year I promise I will throw Cleveland or maybe Cincinnati into the sun for you. Until then please except this note and this 15% off coupon at participating Red Lobsters as a small token of my undying love for you.

            You are awesome! I look forward to making tea for you, during the next century while we watch western civilization collapse into a shit pile run by fashion conscious wiener dogs.

            Love,

            yer old monkey Beelzubub


            18 notes Filed under:  happy valentines day, silly stories, prose,.
            1. hookersorcake posted this
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