After I got out of the monastery I decided that I should start dating… pronto.
So not really knowing were to begin, I turned my attention to my old pal, the computer. Online dating. Yes I was desperate and I had lost time to make up for. So I tried a 1 month free trial on some site. It was horrible! Sad middle aged women, waiting for their “knight in shining armor” There were thousands upon thousands of them, with a handful of cute gold diggers sprinkled in. I was about to give up when I saw one girl that looked and sounded pretty cool. So I wasted no time and I wrote her the following note.
Hey - wow! I’ve never contacted anyone on a online dating thingy before. I feel kinda strange and dirty, yet bouyant and spring fresh. Actually I should be forthright, I’m not really interested in you at all. I’m actually an add exec and I’m contacting you to tell you about some exciting new advances in body wash.
There is a new ginger/mint concoction that we’re working on that is so intoxicatingly smashingly springtastic - In some tests we’ve run, 113 yr old Chinese women on their death beds have been known to leap to their feet and tear phone books in half, with one hand! All whilst sipping Harvey Wallbangers and looking absolutely radiant. So much so, that they also melt deep arctic frost. And this is only after 3 weeks of use!
One reason I am bringing this offer to you and to you alone is that if the whole world were to git their grubby little mitts on this body wash, all of the polar ice caps would melt. Then we would all be very, very sad… and wet. But oh so refreshed and oh so sassily rejuvinated! Ahh a boy can dream can’t he.
Sooo Miss ***** if I may be so bold… Indeed, South Florida is a strange and mysterious place; where most are shiny and buff. You can almost hear their neon hearts abuzz beneath the omnipresent generic thumbing bass. Once my parole is over, I can move back to South Dakota and finish my sculpture, Mount Rushmore?!!! Perhaps you’ve heard of it???! Well it is not finished. When I am done the presidents will be full sized, NUDE, and copulating with the divine mother earth! Ahh what a sight it shall be too behold.
Well I gotta run down and catch the bus to the liquor store/check cashing joint (its so convenient!) I do hope my silly little rant has brought a smile to your face and I would love to have a cup of coffee or perhaps some exotic green tea sometime.
Drop me a line.
Jade
P.S. if you wanna git liquored up and crank call me in the middle of church tomorrow my cell number is ***-**** I’ll put you on the speaker phone :)
She never responded. do you think it was the emoticon at the end? =(
