A little over a year ago we bought a new GE refrigerator that would in turn buy its own groceries. Pretty crazy huh?! No, it didn’t actually run out and buy them itself it just sent a list to a warehouse and every Saturday morning at 10:30 the delivery man would come by and reload the fridge and pantry. I guess GE used the service to leverage a deal that involved the take over of smaller regional grocery chains. Whatever the case, I was certainly hesitant. I assumed our grocery bill would skyrocket or that old GE would most certainly screw us in some fashion. But the price wasn’t half bad and GE promised a full refund if we weren’t happy with the fridge and the delivery service after the first year.
One night in an embarrassing fit of chemically induced paranoia I actually inspected every inch of that machine after I was unable to sleep. I turned all the lights off and pressed my ear against it, I just knew that it was spying on me, but all I heard was a warm maternal hum and a few gurgles.
Surprisingly the damn thing actually saved us about $50 bucks a month and we were real happy with it. Then about six months ago I noticed there was half a canister of jet puffed Fluff in the back of the second shelf. Was my wife making midnight snacks of fluffer nutters? (Fluff and peanut butter sandwiches) I kinda forgot about it but then I noticed an almost full container a couple of weeks later. I decided to keep an eye on it and soon realized that my wife was going through a half of a container of Fluff a week. And she wonders why she isn’t losing that last five pounds.
“I work out 6 days a week,” she almost yelled. “Jesus honey, I said. “Whattya worried about you look great, for forty.” Boy, did she let me have it. And she had every right to. I don’t know what I was thinking, in short I obviously wasn’t. Well, we had us a little fight and I blurted out that maybe she should “lay off the fucking fluffer nutters!” And she just looked at me? “What? I thought you were the one eating all the Fluff,” she said, “I didn’t want to say anything because you’d been so stressed with the Le Baron redesign.”
Neither of us had been eating the Fluff, but magically every two weeks there was the delivery man with a fresh can. After about a month of reaffirming our suspicions, I waited until the delivery man came with a new can and I took it out of the fridge and put it on the counter. The next day I got an email, as did my wife, we needed to order more Fluff. We ignored the email but at six pm we had a surprise visitor. It was the delivery man with a new can of Fluff. We said nothing and put the new can on the counter as well. The next morning another urgent email came and the delivery man once more showed up with a new can. This time I had a little talk with him and told him the whole story. After he had a good laugh I reassured him I was actually serious and he shrugged and said he’d look into it. The next night he was at the front door again, shaking his head. “I tell ya, aint no one ever heard of anything like this,” he said, “I even called one of the engineers in the kitchen appliance diversion. They all think its some kinda joke. Why don’t I put in an order for a technician.” he eyed me. “Naw, everything is fine with it, just please stop delivering us Fluff.”
Two more days went by and I swear I got emails almost begging me for jetpuffed goodness.
TICKET >#07>YOU ARE OUT OF FLUFF>PLEASE RESPOND>THANK YOU FOR YOUR KIND ATTENTION>GE>07>10.22.12>
Last night at 3 AM we were awoken by a loud crash. The dog started barking and I ran naked into the kitchen with a baseball bat. The refrigerator has laying face down on the floor. I searched the house. All the doors were locked and no windows were broken. “What the Fuck?!” My wife just gasped and pointed towards the Fluff that was sitting on the counter. It was then I realized that the refrigerator’s had fallen over towards the Fluff, it almost looked like it fell over reaching out for it.
Is it strange that I can’t stop crying?
