Having grown weary from one too many car insurance commercials the old bear decided to end it all.
He made large pan of macaroni and cheese with about 30 crushed Dilaudid pills, hummed himself a happy little tune and sat down for his last supper.
The old bear was about halfway through the mac-n-cheese when he began to cry.
All the emotions and memories he hadn’t felt in years came rushing back. It was like he’d forgotten everything.
He’d forgotten being a little cub and playing in the sun. Forgotten his mother and how she loved him, in her crazy fucked way. Catching fish in the cold rushing river. Mauling and eating campers with his old pals.
A powerful euphoria now overtook him. He wasn’t sure if it was the drugs or the emotions and old memories. He lurched up from his barcalounger and out the front door. The smell of the great outdoors hit him. AHHHH Yes! He wanted to live. He wanted to have new experiences. But it was too late. He began sobbing again.
Lucky for him the Dilaidid made him incredibly nauseous and just then he projectile vomited a massive geyser of bright yellow drug laced stew some 12 feet in the air. It landed with thunderous ker-splat in the bushes in front of his cave. He was going to live. He staggered back inside and slept it off.
For several hours afterwords, the local towns people had the surreal experience of making friends with all the extra special sweet and calm little forest creatures. Little squirrels, raccoons and possums… they were all so docile and loving that even a child could play with them. That is until the powerful opiate that they’d ingested from all the bear vomit they ate wore off.
and thats how Uncle Billy lost most of his face.
