Hookers or Cake

Where the self-obsessed get serious about silly
I'm too wacky to be hip.


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    • ------------------------------------- How this blog got its name

      ------------------------------------ There was a large painting of Evel Knievel shaking hands with Richard Nixon. It hung in the Mayors office. Late one evening after everyone went home. I took it down to the lab. I zoomed in on Evel’s left eye a 100x and enhanced it. It was an address. I went to the address. It was a modest, 1970’s style, split level ranch home in the suburbs.

      ----------------------------------- Inside I found a dead parrot lying on a waterbed. I revived the parrot with some saltines and adrenaline. We became good friends. The parrots name was Randy. One night a few years later while Randy and me played Gin Rummy, he sang me a song about a fire. The title of this blog was never mentioned but I sensed it, and Randy confirmed it by giving me ‘THE LOOK’.


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          • December 22, 2011 11:09 pm

            Maybe I’ll write a nice Christmas story…

            In the backyard of my friends house there is a huge evergreen tree on a hill. Its tall enough to whisper to the birds and make friends with the clouds.

             One winter evening I was over there making music in the basement with my friend when we took a break and staggered out back to have a smoke. As we were were both taking a leak we saw some small red twinkling under the evergreen.

            “You see that?”

             ”Yeah.” I nod.

            We both zip up simultaneously and slowly walk closer…  tiny red lights. We get down on all fours and stick our heads under the low hanging branches like a couple midgets peeking under a fat womans dress. Mushrooms. Red and white ones. I pick a big one and hold it up.

            “Dude,” I say way too seriously, “we need to eat these.”

            “I don’t know if thats a good idea…” my friend says.

            “Its like 2 days before Christmas and God just left us cosmic presents under a giant ass tree. I’m eating one.”

            I popped it in my mouth. My friends sighs and mutters under his breathe as he looks for a smaller one to ingest.

            I blink and the next thing I know I’m at an Arby’s and I got a gun in a woman’s mouth, but then she starts sucking on it all sexy like as she slowly morphs into my friend, who in reality is just eating a Big Roast Beef.

            “Man, I’m fucking wasted,” I whisper. 

            And he just nods and continues to commune with the strange meat.

            The lights seem to be getting dim and I look around. Theres a spotlight shinging on something just behind the counter. I go over and theres a woman laying on the floor. She has just given birth to what looks like a small skinless pony.  The pony is trying to stand but it keeps falling over. Finally it gets up and steadies itself on knocked knees and just as its about to take its first step its grabbed by several hands of a large machine that tear its scared braying body into pieces. The pieces are then served on a bun with a sprig of mint to the waiting guests. When I look back to the woman she is pregnant again and staring up to me expectantly.

            “Will everything be ok?”

            Her large eyes search my face for some sort of sign. I smile and she smiles.

            “Everything will be just fine.” I say to her, patting her hands. And suddenly I have a gun in my hand again.

            Happy Holidays everybody!!!

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            10. said: poppy said you would die if you actually ate a whole red with white spots and for a good time with one of those just take a finger lick. he said tis the season, cause they are literally in mushroom season right now in the north ;) just a body high…