A girl on Tumblr posted something about killing herself tonight. Posted a picture of her bandaged wrists. A pretty 16 year old white girl. My initial reaction was “gimme a fucking break”
As a human being who was abandoned by his alcoholic mother when he was 3 (dad split before I was born) and in fostercare - abused - ward of the state - homeless - had to join the Army to avoid going to jail. I could easily say I had a much harder road, but the funny thing is… I had it easy.
Ya see my wounds were obvious. Everyone around knew my sad story. I was the poor fucking kid who never had a chance. As a result many people helped me, fed me, let me crash on couches, forgave my stupidity and selfishness. Because I’d been unloved and unwelcome and was in obvious pain - people reached out and loved me.
So I don’t know this young girls story, but in my 39 years on this planet I’ve seen that often times the most busted up kids come from a real nice houses out in the suburbs. Oftentimes they have 2 parents. Hell, they even usually have some money and a nice car. But there is a deep hidden wound, almost completely unnoticeable. They are starving to death. Sometimes they don’t even know it. And they splash about wildy in relationships or drugs or crazy behavior - drowning. They can’t breathe, they don’t know how. So they try not to breathe and they try not to drown - but in the end… they flail about and cry out ‘save me’ and if no one does at least maybe it’ll finally all be over.
If I could say one thing to that 16 year old girl it would be, the people in your life are stupid fucking animals. You will never get what it is you need from them. And you sure as fuck won’t get it from some relationship with another drowning victim. In fact much of what you need right now you won’t find outside of yourself at all. First you got to learn how to breathe. Fuckin forget everyone and everything else. You gotta take care of yourself. Feed yourself good words - good music - good friends… whatever it is that is the oxygen that will make your mind and heart strong. Once you come to know this you may begin to see the true nature of life and love. No one owns it. No one truly gives it or receives it - it just fucking flows all about you. Then you have a tough task ahead of you you need to learn how to swim. It aint fucking easy! But there is help along the way and great teachers - you will only know them because they will not coddle you like a baby. They will show you how to swim, but its you who’s gotta do it - you gotta do the hard work - but if you know the truth about love it’ll be worth it.
Sink or swim, life is a great journey and mystery. Give it a chance.
