How to successfully market your book
If you can’t sum up your book with a catchy punk rock chorus that you sing all day, everyday, to everyone, you are doomed.
If its not immediately obvious to a 3 yr old what your book is exactly about, no one will read it. Pre K is the new YA
Develop a pyramid scheme! Make sure everyone you’ve ever met is somehow enslaved into said scheme.
Get a tattoo of your face on top of your own face and then put it on a shirt! Give the shirt to EVERYONE!
Legally change your name to the name of your latest book.
Become a ruthless dictator who slaughters millions. Mein Kampf and the Holy Bible still sell like hot cakes. (Hot cakes were like Iphones you could eat!)
Have your book’s blurb down-converted into elemental grunts and clicks. Three syllables is ideal. Prenatal is the new Pre K
Move to New York, convert to Judism, have your gender reassigned if you’re a man. Fuck everyone who even casually knows a publicist.
Troll. Say unspeakably offensive things on every media platform imaginable. Nothing drives up new book chatter like being a shitty human. (see #8 or Ann Coulter)
Speaking of media platforms, if you’re not already on every one from stone tablets to the T-Phone (think telepathic texting) you will fail.
Write a program that changes all the hyperlinks in existence to point to your stupid blog.
Eat every living beings soul. Refuse to shit them out until they buy your book.
Buy my book.

How to successfully market your book

  1. If you can’t sum up your book with a catchy punk rock chorus that you sing all day, everyday, to everyone, you are doomed.
  2. If its not immediately obvious to a 3 yr old what your book is exactly about, no one will read it. Pre K is the new YA
  3. Develop a pyramid scheme! Make sure everyone you’ve ever met is somehow enslaved into said scheme.
  4. Get a tattoo of your face on top of your own face and then put it on a shirt! Give the shirt to EVERYONE!
  5. Legally change your name to the name of your latest book.
  6. Become a ruthless dictator who slaughters millions. Mein Kampf and the Holy Bible still sell like hot cakes. (Hot cakes were like Iphones you could eat!)
  7. Have your book’s blurb down-converted into elemental grunts and clicks. Three syllables is ideal. Prenatal is the new Pre K
  8. Move to New York, convert to Judism, have your gender reassigned if you’re a man. Fuck everyone who even casually knows a publicist.
  9. Troll. Say unspeakably offensive things on every media platform imaginable. Nothing drives up new book chatter like being a shitty human. (see #8 or Ann Coulter)
  10. Speaking of media platforms, if you’re not already on every one from stone tablets to the T-Phone (think telepathic texting) you will fail.
  11. Write a program that changes all the hyperlinks in existence to point to your stupid blog.
  12. Eat every living beings soul. Refuse to shit them out until they buy your book.
  13. Buy my book.