Self indulgent horse shit who?
Goddamn I love not having ta make any sense. To whisper slow quiet things in the rain so even I can’t hear what it is, I’m singing.
I’ve been writing things on the internet since the late ’90s. Back then I was just writing ramblin’ emails to a girl I met at a rave. Her name was Mara, she was in a masters program for evolutionary biology. We met by arguing about the lyrics to a Will Oldham song. I know that makes me sound like a smug asshole. And its OK. I’ll admit it.
Anyway we hung out for the evening and I became one with the universe after attacking a marching band of clowns (true story) Actually, they attacked me because I ruined their performance art piece. Fucking clowns, always so serious.
Anyway, Mara watched me go through some sort of huge drug fueled spiritual shift where I was tested by a supreme being of light and lived in the billions of ways and plays of being until I died and was reborn as the supreme being of light itself.
In other words I danced around like white guy on PCP.
It was a good time.
Anyway, Mara was amused and gave me her number/email and I started writing her these crazy love emails. I wasn’t in love with her and she knew that. I didn’t know her and we’d never even kissed and only hung out together one evening/morning. Sure, she looked directly into my eyes and I saw her as a being of pure curious love and light, but I was just visiting town and left the next day.
So, I wrote all my experiences of love to her for about two to three months and she encouraged me, which was nice. Then that kinda sputtered out and I began to write long replies to spam email. I knew no one read them or ever even saw them, but I’d never felt more free. Roaring into void I guess.
Then I fell into a serious depression and kept calling in sick to work. I’d tried to help some homeless Vietnam vet and I failed. And because my dad was a Vietnam vet, whom I’d never met, it totally fucking destroyed me. I had to go live in a monastery. I lived as a monk, read a lot, went for long walks and lived in the silence like it was honey. It rejuvenated me and I found a spiritual teacher who was also a kick ass therapist.
This was all ten plus years ago and I guess what I learned is that life is a conversation between light and dark. And sometimes you’re the joy of being and sometimes you’re the fucking dregs. It’s like an on again off again romance and you’re actually playing both parts.
So you learn to succeed and then you learn to fail. And you succeed bigger and better only to fall apart more and more brilliantly. This goes on and on until one day you give up and fall in love with everything.
Then you live life as the mystery and tell dirty knock jokes while life kicks your ass. IE. become the dumb middle management guy in the office who thinks he’s funny.